city diary: October

[egr]

city diary: October Perhaps October could be replaced with a concrete date, such as 10/5/16 or variation. This also prevents "October" in first line from being redundant, which I like because I do feel it is a more catching opening.

October rain falls outside my window. Agree that "rain falls outside my window" is too familiar (and for that matter a terrible expression for how common it is...), but perhaps even just a tweak to "passes by" or some such phrase would make it fresher and more sensible.

I dare it.
Drown me. I live on the third story. I like these lines and lean towards keeping them as they are.

I go outside. If you strike this and leave a line break, the empty space leading into the next line intuits that you have gone outside.
I splash in a puddle. I quite like the idea here, that since the rain could not come to you on the third floor (sidenote: I love "story" so much more than "floor" or "level"), you have gone to it. Sad, but playful. However, I do feel something must be added here to increase the poem's impact.

I like this as a series. I will search for more of your posts after this critique. If it is a series, and without having read more of it, I'm mixed about the title so far, because "city diary" seems both too vague and too cute. "Diary" suggests you'll be writing more than one a month, as your poem suggests. When I write a diary, I usually go for a good streak for about a week, and then forget it exists for weeks more. Just something to think about.

This calls to mind a friend of mine IRL who writes in a similar style to this poem. A lot of short, fragmented lines; quiet and sparse yet somehow loaded with suggestions of emotion. As lovely as I find her work, I am often left wanting more. It is tough to strike the balance of "just enough". Every piece of a short poem, even what you have not written, is crucial.

Regards, EGR[/b]