Song (3rd revision)

[Todd]

Hello burrealist,

Let me give you some feedback on what you've written.

Song

when time dies

and skies fall

and waves stare to an empty wall

I was going with your end of all days theme until L3. This just doesn't make sense. It feels like it's there to accommodate the fall/wall rhyme. First off, to should be replaced by at. Beyond that though, I just can't see how the personification of waves staring at an empty wall makes sense or advances the poem. If the wave was performing a personified action that made sense with its form than I could see it (example: the waves curl on the shore like a question, etc).

when the sun cries

Similar issue here. You could replace the sun with any other object (moon, ocean, etc) and it would still be able to perform the action. There is nothing being done that plays off the sun's light or heat or any other characteristic that demands that it be chosen. It should be necessary or earned in the poem.

to an empty song

Your repetition of empty isn't bad. This is a subtle way to emphasize a theme and I like subtlety.

I'll say goodbye

to you

This break seems unnecessary. Breaking the line on goodbye with the payoff of "to you" on the next line doesn't really do anything for you. It would be better as one long line in my opinion.

lay down

embrace our sound

This "our sound" could have been much enhanced if you connected it to the natural images earlier.

I'll hold its song in you

when we sleep

come nightfall

This isn't as egregious as fall/wall but nightfall/hall still sounds added for the rhyme without advancing the content in a way that doesn't seem forced.

we walk through an empty hall

and hold time still

Not to be overly picky but isn't time already dead?

in our arms

waves continue

to move

to move could be cut. It adds nothing that continue doesn't already get you. A wave by itself implies a sense of motion. Again content question aren't the waves behind a wall? What freed them?

you stay

in memory

You stay in memory again feels bloated and unnecessary. Do you really need it? Cut in memory perhaps and it will read better.

a fadeless shine of blue

I like fadeless shine of blue. It might be more of a payoff to the reader if you seeded the blue idea earlier in the imagery so that you could infuse this person with the elements of nature and not simply the color.

we've shared its harmony

I've felt what song can do

Just some thoughts to consider. I hope they help some.

Best,

Todd