03-22-2017, 09:42 AM
One suggestion is to figure ways to reword this piece. Make it really, really flow. So the first lines are good, but can be improved. Here's a suggestion: "In my bed I lie awake". Otherwise, if you're a fan of the apparent, natural pause, consider using punctuation to accentuate the pause: "I'm in my bed, wide awake". See how re-positioning the comma gives this opening line a different taste?
The repetition of "eyes" can be utilized well, but here I feel you may have been too excited. It becomes trite and confusing. I see where you are leading us readers, but we get lost in your eyes rather in the images and feelings you want to convey.
The subject-matter is awesome. Elusive. Your demons are more terrifying without a face. I myself suffer from constant nagging of demons trying to pressure my morality. The darkness of your poem is so entrancing, it's almost a demon in itself.
The repetition of "eyes" can be utilized well, but here I feel you may have been too excited. It becomes trite and confusing. I see where you are leading us readers, but we get lost in your eyes rather in the images and feelings you want to convey.
The subject-matter is awesome. Elusive. Your demons are more terrifying without a face. I myself suffer from constant nagging of demons trying to pressure my morality. The darkness of your poem is so entrancing, it's almost a demon in itself.