Opening A Small Window edit#1.1

[ellajam]

Lizzie, can't thank you enough for your helpful critique.

Hi ellajam. The revision feels much smoothed out from the original, and easier to follow as a result. It feels more natural this time, and not as forced. So, good job there.

[quote='ellajam' pid='225827' dateline='1489707227']
Opening A Small Window Edit#1.1 (CRNDLSM, achebe, Todd, M2)

I wake in darkness while the world's in bed,
succumb to silence luring me with space
to sort ideas and shift them into place.
I catch the comets streaking through my head -- good image
and forfeit sleep for solitude instead,
recharging for my daily steeplechase -- love steeplechase
by letting rhymes and meter run their race
before this skittish quietude has fled. -- you have silence, solitude, and quietude in this stanza, and I feel like that becomes repetitive by the end. I understand from the first line that it's quiet.

Point taken, I'll have to see which will be the sacrificial lambs. Much obliged.

Too soon the dawn pokes holes in night's reprieve -- I don't care for 'pokes holes'. Feels like a cliche.
awakening usurpers of my time — the thieves. -- yes they are. The pyrrhic substitutions here feel natural. 

Thanks, I'm slowly trying to make the meter more subtle, I have a long way to go but it would be a big step forward for me so thanks for noticing.

The verses flee my mind at breakneck speed, -- breakneck speed also borders on cliche for me
shot through the air from their ejection seats.
My sweethearts pop up from their tangled sheets, -- I enjoy this image of the family rising from bed like they're cut outs in a pop up book, that's gold. It just doesn't read smoothly to me. The stress is forced on to 'from' which is an unnatural word to stress here.
there's not a thing their hugs don't supersede. -- 'a thing' feels weak to me, especially for a concluding line.

Thanks  for the arrows to the cliches. I'll try to keep pop up but fix the bump, you're right. Yeah, thing, bad, lazy.

Definitely moving in the right direction.

Cheers,

Lizzie

Again, your time and effort is greatly appreciated, very helpful.