Opening A Small Window edit#1.1

[ellajam]

[quote='ellajam' pid='225827' dateline='1489707227']
Opening A Small Window Edit#1 (CRNDLSM, achebe, Todd, M2)

I wake in darkness while the world's in bed,
succumb to silence luring me with space
to sort ideas and shift them into place.
I catch the comets streaking through my head
and forfeit sleep for solitude instead,
recharging for my daily steeplechase
by letting rhymes and meter run their race
before this skittish quietude has fled.--skittish is an upgrade in that its more evocative than cherished and fits well with the horses evoked by steeplechase. 

Too soon the dawn pokes holes in night's reprieve
awakening usurpers of my time, the thieves.--Maybe an em dash instead of a comma after time. I wouldn't go full exclamation point after thieves but the dash should push the reader more in the right direction.

I'm going to give that a try, my head actually said it with an exclamation point but I couldn't get myself to type it. !!

The verses flee my mind at breakneck speed,--Breakneck speed is a cliche and it undermines the fine next line.
shot through the air from their ejection seats.--This is a funny image. I get fighter pilots or spy thrillers with their gadgets. This is interesting enough that you could potentially work backward to plant the idea earlier with this as your payoff. It isn't necessary but this is a more fun way to deal with the velocity of thought that was found in other parts of the poem.

Ha, I'm glad someone other than myself enjoys it, it cracked me up. I though breakneck sounded horsy, but maybe that's "neck and neck", I'm sure I can think of something else.

My sweethearts pop up from their tangled sheets,--At first, I didn't like pop up. But upon reflection, it's a neat way to simulate a real world occurrence overlaying the ejection seats above.
there's not a thing their hugs don't supersede.--supersede is a great word here. Also hugs is a good way to give a sense of age and relationship--good economy.

I know, the sonics of pop up is not great, but the interaction with ejection is why I kept it, still thinking on that on, maybe something else is better.


Thanks for coming back, much appreciated.