03-20-2017, 05:56 AM
W,
I was reading through the critiques and had a thought for the last line to be something like,
"all that's left to do is click and post! Fake News"
Best line "olive tanned with martini eyes fixed on each other." set and setting in one line. Plus the olive skin of the Mediterranean people and the somewhat drunken eyes from the gin. The gin and olive is also a great picture of the Mediterranean with it's clear waters and olive skinned people.
The one change I'd make is exchange is change "with" with "and". As the "olive tanned" is not really "with" martini eyes.
"as we walked to the bar" Something better than walked is needed here trudged, shuffled, lumbered, plogged, slogged, etc.
Anyway, great poem,
Best,
dale
I was reading through the critiques and had a thought for the last line to be something like,
"all that's left to do is click and post! Fake News"
Best line "olive tanned with martini eyes fixed on each other." set and setting in one line. Plus the olive skin of the Mediterranean people and the somewhat drunken eyes from the gin. The gin and olive is also a great picture of the Mediterranean with it's clear waters and olive skinned people.
The one change I'd make is exchange is change "with" with "and". As the "olive tanned" is not really "with" martini eyes.
"as we walked to the bar" Something better than walked is needed here trudged, shuffled, lumbered, plogged, slogged, etc.
Anyway, great poem,
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.