Camazotz, revision 4

[UselessBlueprint]

We all look mass-produced here,
like God got a discount
buying the million pack of humans (yes, a good description here)
in cool summer neutrals— (adds little for me, but I leave it to your discretion)
Ecru Mushroom, Pinot Grigio, Serengeti Sun.
I should buy my dresses wholesale too,
the family pack, so I don't ever run out
(on everyone).

I wear my part like a dress while I sweep
and whistle like Cinderella with her mice,
but dressed better and less maligned.
Strike that, we can't keep rodents;
the HOA is prejudiced against pests.
So, we get presentable pets,
not hissing cockroaches or emperor scorpions. (good images altogether, but it feels to be bigger than it needs to be. I'd consider rephrasing and trimming.)
That's for outlandish people
who fail to assimilate.

Our houses coordinate
for similarity pleases the eye,
but exactness bores.
Fantasies of originality actualize
as we paint our garage doors
a slightly different shade of cafe au lait;
together, we're a perfect palate. (Honestly, this part was a huge let-down. More in comments below)

I play a part, becoming one
with this stage set of Baja Beige, (Concrete, visual, and dull)
weather-proof, composite siding.
My parts are: The Perma-Smile,
The Calm Mom, The Breast Who Doesn't Sweat.
I've learned my lines and knocked on the doors (This sentence fails for me.)
of my characters' minds,
but we can't connect.

What would Bukowski say?
“Whine, whine, wine.”

You're right, Charlie, I shouldn't complain
since the drone life is smooth
and there's abundant company
among rows and rows of common blooms,
no less beautiful for being clones. (Lots to think about here)
We're a North Dakota sunflower field,
all smiling up at a humdrum sun. (I can see the image in my head, but its purpose as a closer is lost on me)

I'll be honest here, this was a little bit disappointing for me. For the monotonous theme I feel throughout this piece, there's far too much variation in the structure. S1 and S2 bring in many good images, though I suspect maybe there could be some compression if desired. S3 is where these fall down, in my opinion. I lose the images, the motion, and I'm left with something that feels like an anecdote. But even that fails to make an impact. Boredom, similarity, and coordination. Yet the entire poem seems chaotic - uncoordinated, each line and strophe quite different. I wanted to see regularity. I wanted my voice to feel the monotony, through the meter and the sounds. Then you return to the images, although now a little more dull and boring -- as if accepting the fate of normal life. Your final strophe is well done, but I might conclude on "no less beautiful for being clones." It's a good thinking line, and I think it's a better finale than the sunflower field image.