Opening A Small Window edit#1.1

[Todd]

The only meter bump I read was on family and that's not because I tend to speak it faster and not really pause on that i in the middle of the word. I didn't have a real issue with the meter. My issue with the poem is mostly with the content in the last four lines. We step into a small window into the speaker's resting thoughts. L3 hints that this poem might get too introspective but in L4 we get streaking comets. We move to a steeplechase. I get a bedknobs and broomsticks feel. There's a wildness building. I enjoy the sleep/solitude distinction. Then family breaks in on the moment. I guess at this point I want to see a continuation or a way to wrap in the comets and steeplechases but what I get is some kind of weaving metaphor for family. I think I'd just like to see something that felt more connected. Something that gave me a satisfying "Oh yes, this is the end that had to be there moment."

Could just be me, but does that make sense?

Best,

Todd

Opening A Small Window

I wake in darkness while the world's in bed,
succumb to silence luring me with space
to sort ideas and shift them into place.
I catch the comets streaking through my head
and forfeit sleep for solitude instead,
recharging for my daily steeplechase
by letting rhymes and meter run their race
before this cherished quietude has fled.

Too soon the dawn pokes holes in night's reprieve
and family usurps my time like thieves.

Our interlocking threads have formed a whole:
each one held firmly in a tight-wrought weave
producing patterns each could not conceive.
Their company atones for what they stole.



(For fun, but I'm trying to tune up my meter ear. I always have bumps, any help identifying them is greatly appreciated.)