03-16-2017, 04:02 AM
hey lizzie,
i’m mostly a songwriter, but i feel that and poetry go hand in hand. i'm new to poetry, so consider these remarks coming to you from virgin eyes in a sense. you’ve got a lot here, and i really like the concept of the poem (we’re not so different, but we’re not the same, we all have a role to play?), what I am going to do is just dig into the first verse a little.
We all look mass-produced here, - nice opener, nice setup, you can definitely go many places with this line. maybe take out ‘look’ and leave it as ‘we’re all mass produced here’ - it's more inviting that way.
like God got a discount - i feel like this line doesn’t do the first line justice. i feel like it could use more motion, or more of a stinger. ‘god getting a discount’ works, but i think this could be more effective with more ‘showing’ vs ‘telling.’ when i think of mass-produced, i think of; conveyor belts, vast noisy machines, long-assembly lines, smokey factories. i would suggest you bring this line more ‘to life,’ bringing the reader into your moment/place in time. example might be; ‘god’s conveyor belt of endless newborns packaged all the same, spit out by the billions’ --play with it!
buying the million pack of humans - interesting, i would urge you do be even more daring.
in cool summer neutrals— i love the line, rolls off the tongue nicely, neutrals are referring to colors, right? haha - perhaps end this the verse with this line. it's has this feeling of being suspended, feeling of wonder, light in weight, a good line to stop in my opinion. what follows either needs to be stronger, or nonexistent.
Ecru Mushroom, Pinot Grigio, Serengeti Sun. - seems irrelevant
I should buy my dresses wholesale too - seems irrelevant
the family pack, so I don't ever run out - seems irrelevant
(on everyone). - seems irrelevant
*i would work on cutting out some of the fat, use the lines that are most effective, and the lines that are directly connected to the theme and tone. (the first line is great, mass-produced humans, stick with this, don’t stray too much.)
*is the title Camazotz? i wiki’d it; themes of night, death and sacrifice—not sure it fits the essence of the poem, but it could..
thanks for the read!
-john
i’m mostly a songwriter, but i feel that and poetry go hand in hand. i'm new to poetry, so consider these remarks coming to you from virgin eyes in a sense. you’ve got a lot here, and i really like the concept of the poem (we’re not so different, but we’re not the same, we all have a role to play?), what I am going to do is just dig into the first verse a little.
We all look mass-produced here, - nice opener, nice setup, you can definitely go many places with this line. maybe take out ‘look’ and leave it as ‘we’re all mass produced here’ - it's more inviting that way.
like God got a discount - i feel like this line doesn’t do the first line justice. i feel like it could use more motion, or more of a stinger. ‘god getting a discount’ works, but i think this could be more effective with more ‘showing’ vs ‘telling.’ when i think of mass-produced, i think of; conveyor belts, vast noisy machines, long-assembly lines, smokey factories. i would suggest you bring this line more ‘to life,’ bringing the reader into your moment/place in time. example might be; ‘god’s conveyor belt of endless newborns packaged all the same, spit out by the billions’ --play with it!
buying the million pack of humans - interesting, i would urge you do be even more daring.
in cool summer neutrals— i love the line, rolls off the tongue nicely, neutrals are referring to colors, right? haha - perhaps end this the verse with this line. it's has this feeling of being suspended, feeling of wonder, light in weight, a good line to stop in my opinion. what follows either needs to be stronger, or nonexistent.
Ecru Mushroom, Pinot Grigio, Serengeti Sun. - seems irrelevant
I should buy my dresses wholesale too - seems irrelevant
the family pack, so I don't ever run out - seems irrelevant
(on everyone). - seems irrelevant
*i would work on cutting out some of the fat, use the lines that are most effective, and the lines that are directly connected to the theme and tone. (the first line is great, mass-produced humans, stick with this, don’t stray too much.)
*is the title Camazotz? i wiki’d it; themes of night, death and sacrifice—not sure it fits the essence of the poem, but it could..
thanks for the read!
-john