Rewind (Revision)

[Todd]

Lizzie, what's funny about this is you choose a few of the words i had as place holders right up to posting the revision. Surgeon was sitting there for the longest time. I truly thought that would be the replacement word for artist. I also tried coroner with a few other side changes attached to make that work. Archaeologist also spent a brief time in the spot. I called an audible at the last moment to conductor (who knows why we eventually decide). I'm open to any of those though they all required a few slight lead up changes to make them work.

Clatter is clearly a more specific word than noise and I considered words like that. I decided on noise oddly enough because it is more general. It just felt right in the conceit I'm building (I know that that may not make it right). This was more of a play piano by ear not notes thing for some reason I like the vagueness there. It's hard to explain why I'm making a choice that goes against one of my general rules: choose specific over vague--but there you have it.

The wave returning to it's source part is a nice way to reinsert the ripple idea because it was truly a sound wave. That is a possibility and if I want to reinsert the concept I might take you up on that idea. I also considered supernovas--but it pulled me too far from the simple language choices I favored, and earthquakes got too messy in the setting also pulled the language too far--wave is a nice compromise.

You know technically you're right about the knife. I did debate having the knife reattach the food when I had the surgeon version. I also introduced some precision words and had the knife moving like a sort of reverse scalpel. It is the way to establish the surgeon or the coroner ideas and that is a possibility. I don't mind having that discussion because we're sort of at a late tweaking phase in the revision process and this poem is less about mystery and more about establishing the conceit. So, I don't mind moving in this direction.

Thanks, as you can see, I have thought about some of these exact scenarios and will continue to.

Best,

Todd

I shall show and not tell this one. It's late and the brain no workie.

I presumptuously inserted whatever of my own style I wished, and I sincerely hope that you eliminate that voice and substitute your own. It'll be better that way. Hopefully, there's something you can harvest from this.

---

The clatter of the chair falling
to the floor compresses and fades
into a single point in space,
a wave returning to it's source.
Streaks of mascara furtively race
up your cheeks to embrace your shining eyes.
With your knife and fork, you remove
the food from your mouth. Like a surgeon,
you reconstruct the unchewed almond-crusted salmon
with garlic crisp potatoes. I unclear
my throat so I cannot say,

“We need to talk.”