Look! Outside!

[Lizzie]

Hi nibbed! I like how playful this one seems. Maybe because of the first words, it seems like you're cultivating an energetic and joyful vibe. I can see that you're playing with sound and visual imagery, which is good. Sometimes I get a little lost though, but perhaps I lack imagination.

The title is a little blah -- it's fairly bland compared to the rest of the poem. Although, exclamation marks always get people to read, especially when they're commanded to look! But 'outside' is not interesting.

Look! Outside!


Razzmatazz ice
shaved from gray heavens
disguise dark Michigan. -- good geographical placement, helps to set the scene

Today, marshmallow mustaches
and sweetened smells may hold
warmest rewards. -- love 'marshmallow mustaches' but the rest is too vague. What rewards? I'd suggest showing what the rewards would be and where the sweet smells are coming from.

Tiny vegan cannibals -- Ha, a bit of whimsy in introducing us to things that could not possibly exist?
will perhaps nibble
rhinoplasty performances
fuel enough,
(not too much!)
To search out proper twigs:

Arming tightly packed, chilly rotund idols
standing guard to friendlier counterparts,
several easier
hierarchies of sweeping arms and legs,
finished with tiptoe's care. -- this stanza doesn't make much sense and doesn't include any interesting imagery.

Waltzing with the hollers,
discs of molded primaries
may soon reveal creation's purpose:
Youthful, excited, billows of breath,
joyful reddening cheeks, and frosty fingers
eagerly welcoming warmer palms;
 
Suddenly, a distant alarm sounds: -- don't need 'suddenly'
Books slam shut, teachers dismiss, -- I like that we're moving into a narrative to let the reader in on what's happening
lines of warm & noisy cheese wagons quickly fill.  -- I'll always see school buses as 'noisy cheese wagons' from now on!  Love that phrase because it feels childlike and that fits with the topic.

Arriving safely at stops,
book bagged backs -- like this
exit folding doors &
clunky boots race down rubber lined steps;

Soul after tiny soul
ignore brightened sirens of frolic,
gifted opportunities of jovial winter. -- here I would also show what the opportunities are instead of telling about them

Instead, mittens, yarn-strung sleeve to sleeve,
enter a trading post of telstar moments,
as Eskimo huts remain legend's ghost town.

Davenports maraud youthful suitors.
Despoiled, the blindly pillaged
ambush, beat, and blow the heads off comrades,
hysterically laughing at their own assassins.

Gloriously fallen blankets,
unseen healing diamonds of iced mercy
wait & watch, lonely & ignored;

Gifts of lasting memory
have been replaced by a hypnotist's trick,
Earth's peaceful stoles of cold
remain purely unspoiled. -- these last 4 stanzas are a mystery to me. I'm not following what's going on.

Soon Springtime will reveal
a resurrection of gratitude:

As thankful winks
of wildly brightened violet
& crowding crocus
sing hymns of gentlest purple. -- I think you should end on something stronger than purple, maybe something that signifies spring for you. Maybe you could say, "sing purple hymns of --------"?

I think you have a gift for novel and fresh imagery/simile, I think you just need to remember to keep your work clear enough that you're taking the reader along for the ride.

I hope something here helps. I enjoyed the read.

Lizzie