03-14-2017, 06:11 AM
What's especially nice when you get such good critique is you get a direction on where to go. Rather than do multiple posts let me address everyone here. I appreciate all the comments!
WJames: I'm glad you found elements you liked. As far as the shining eyes part. I do think I need to rework the phrasing a bit and maybe decide how to sequence it. It will be addressed in the next revision hopefully.
baifan: So many good comments here. Metaphor placement works--good. But come up with something more consistent with the emotional flavor of the event--got it. I'm sure it was just how I conceptualized time moving backward that made me think of a very soft image (albeit a little too overused I agree). I'll give it some more thought. Now actually I wanted the shining eyes to be hope in that moment and then move back to a resting state before the event. The rewind went tears, then hope from the speaker's perspective, and then the default state. I'm probably trying to compress too much into too little of a space. I'll give it some thought. Artist: You make some good points. I'll give some thought to an alternative and see if there's anything I like better. White space before the final line: Yeah that's a good idea. That will make it into the next revision. Thank you
nibbed: I appreciate you taking a look. If you have any specific areas you would like me to consider I'd be happy to give them some thought.
Achebe: Yes the original started with the sound of the chair compressing to a single point. It felt unnecessary to me and didn't survive my initial revision. I'll give some thought to your comment on the mascara line, thanks.
Lizzie: You have a good eye for slight edits (down, black, backward). Your take on shining is around what I intended. The answer is to probably kill dry and just imagine the her in the poem happy right before sadness. It fixes a lot of issues. Thank you for being another voice of reason on those commas. Thank you
Keith: Yes the intro needed something a bit odd I was thinking. Pond: Yeah, I think you all are right at best this image is a placeholder for the image that is needed (come on subconscious). Garlic potatoes: I see where you're coming from Keith. Again this feels less about incorporating the detail to me and more about pacing. I'll play around with it a bit. Thank you again!
The revision may take a bit to internalize and think about a lot of these points. Thank you all again for engaging with the poem.
Best,
Todd
WJames: I'm glad you found elements you liked. As far as the shining eyes part. I do think I need to rework the phrasing a bit and maybe decide how to sequence it. It will be addressed in the next revision hopefully.
baifan: So many good comments here. Metaphor placement works--good. But come up with something more consistent with the emotional flavor of the event--got it. I'm sure it was just how I conceptualized time moving backward that made me think of a very soft image (albeit a little too overused I agree). I'll give it some more thought. Now actually I wanted the shining eyes to be hope in that moment and then move back to a resting state before the event. The rewind went tears, then hope from the speaker's perspective, and then the default state. I'm probably trying to compress too much into too little of a space. I'll give it some thought. Artist: You make some good points. I'll give some thought to an alternative and see if there's anything I like better. White space before the final line: Yeah that's a good idea. That will make it into the next revision. Thank you
nibbed: I appreciate you taking a look. If you have any specific areas you would like me to consider I'd be happy to give them some thought.
Achebe: Yes the original started with the sound of the chair compressing to a single point. It felt unnecessary to me and didn't survive my initial revision. I'll give some thought to your comment on the mascara line, thanks.
Lizzie: You have a good eye for slight edits (down, black, backward). Your take on shining is around what I intended. The answer is to probably kill dry and just imagine the her in the poem happy right before sadness. It fixes a lot of issues. Thank you for being another voice of reason on those commas. Thank you
Keith: Yes the intro needed something a bit odd I was thinking. Pond: Yeah, I think you all are right at best this image is a placeholder for the image that is needed (come on subconscious). Garlic potatoes: I see where you're coming from Keith. Again this feels less about incorporating the detail to me and more about pacing. I'll play around with it a bit. Thank you again!
The revision may take a bit to internalize and think about a lot of these points. Thank you all again for engaging with the poem.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson