03-14-2017, 03:51 AM
ellajam and Todd: thank you for the warm welcome and the very helpful suggestions! The support has been rewarding and the critiques insightful; I'm editing my piece right now.
Seems to me that the most standout criticism thus far is the loss of emotional force when I hit the rhyming sequence. The "experiment" for this piece was to see if I could slip from free verse into some kind of rhyming structure in a way that mimics how we recontextualize events in our lives that disorient us (going from formlessness to order). So, for that sake, I'm going to see if I can salvage the last four strophe, maybe tightening up some of the imagery and trimming down. I'll post a revision when I've wrung this piece dry again.
I am also reconsidering the "pipes" bit. When I wrote it I was iffy, and I still am, and it feels like there's a similar skepticism here. Some more suggestions on the placement/purpose of that would be great
Seems to me that the most standout criticism thus far is the loss of emotional force when I hit the rhyming sequence. The "experiment" for this piece was to see if I could slip from free verse into some kind of rhyming structure in a way that mimics how we recontextualize events in our lives that disorient us (going from formlessness to order). So, for that sake, I'm going to see if I can salvage the last four strophe, maybe tightening up some of the imagery and trimming down. I'll post a revision when I've wrung this piece dry again.
I am also reconsidering the "pipes" bit. When I wrote it I was iffy, and I still am, and it feels like there's a similar skepticism here. Some more suggestions on the placement/purpose of that would be great