Fetish (adult)

[Powder]

Thanks for taking the effort to critique my poem CRNDLSM!

I notice a whole lot of back and forth -ing and -ed words.  Like starting and stopping a whole bunch it turns into a sort of pulse which I think enhances the sexual energy.  That in mind, these don't really read like sentences to me and would like this period to just be open space.  Like holding a gasp

I didn't even look at it from that angle but that's actually a very interesting idea. That way the first period doesn't come until the last stanza, making me read it in somewhat of a frantic voice. It does however, definitively, ruin the grammatical integrity of the sentences. I know it doesn't read like a sentence but if one really analyses it on a structural level, it still is. The thing that makes it seem like it isn't is that I use a ; as a connector between two main clauses. The logical and creative sides of my brain need to have a little war about this before I pull the trigger on it but it's a good idea.

inflicting pleasure unto unblemished skin is the obvious part of this poem repeated with childhood innocence later, and I think you could start this stanza with 'forcing into reality, and bathing in the stain of' just as effectively

I agree that this part of the poem is problematic and I'm in the process of rewriting it entirely based on the feedback I've received so far, yours included.

To keep an objective view and allow readers to form their own judgements about the subject seems difficult with so many possible adjectives and verbs but I think you accomplished it

Thanks for your response! I'm glad you enjoyed it.