03-12-2017, 03:47 PM
This critique will be utter crap. I might as well be a carbuncle-ridden troll at the bottom of a pond. Anyways, here goes.
[quote='JaredEggo' pid='224101' dateline='1486495242']
Here's another one I'm working on.
I'm in my bed wide awake, - Jargon and bullshit over-analysis aside, wide awake is a cliche/ redudnant somehow. You can be more creative.
fighting demons my body wants but my heart hates.-- What demons are you talking about. Be more specific. Hearts don't hate. They pump blood or some crap. The heart as the feeling center is stupid.
If I open my eyes
they're at my fingertips, ready to destroy me.
If I close my eyes -- Would put a comma here.
they play a movie of all the things I've done. -- I get that bullshit. There's no cry to the understanding crowds with a poem. It's like some weird art that people think is cool or something.
I don't want to close my eyes
because I'm afraid of what I'll see.
I don't want to open my eyes,
but that pain is easier to bear.
So no matter what I do,
I can't close my eyes. -- Get ready for the ride. Prolonging sleep may make it worse.
[quote]
What's the correlation between misery and selling poems? Beats me. Maybe it's marketing or something. Anyways, this is too much of a cry into a void. What sympathy comes from hungry, bespectacled/pimple-faced goons? Got to get more creative at least.
Brownlie: while this critique is not technically breaking any rules, you might want to lay off with the "troll" business. It's not impressive and it's just getting boring. The point of critique is to assist the poet, not continually point out what an unpleasant person you are/ Admin
[quote='JaredEggo' pid='224101' dateline='1486495242']
Here's another one I'm working on.
I'm in my bed wide awake, - Jargon and bullshit over-analysis aside, wide awake is a cliche/ redudnant somehow. You can be more creative.
fighting demons my body wants but my heart hates.-- What demons are you talking about. Be more specific. Hearts don't hate. They pump blood or some crap. The heart as the feeling center is stupid.
If I open my eyes
they're at my fingertips, ready to destroy me.
If I close my eyes -- Would put a comma here.
they play a movie of all the things I've done. -- I get that bullshit. There's no cry to the understanding crowds with a poem. It's like some weird art that people think is cool or something.
I don't want to close my eyes
because I'm afraid of what I'll see.
I don't want to open my eyes,
but that pain is easier to bear.
So no matter what I do,
I can't close my eyes. -- Get ready for the ride. Prolonging sleep may make it worse.
[quote]
What's the correlation between misery and selling poems? Beats me. Maybe it's marketing or something. Anyways, this is too much of a cry into a void. What sympathy comes from hungry, bespectacled/pimple-faced goons? Got to get more creative at least.
Brownlie: while this critique is not technically breaking any rules, you might want to lay off with the "troll" business. It's not impressive and it's just getting boring. The point of critique is to assist the poet, not continually point out what an unpleasant person you are/ Admin