03-12-2017, 06:52 AM
So far I've changed it to
FETISH
Flaccid bones and flesh
sealed tight in stretched skin;
clawing up blood and
I'm kind of wondering, using this construction it sounds like the bones are clawing up blood, which sounds a bit strange? Might also be implying... and sorry to get even more graphic here, period sex. I don't know whether it really works. I'm also struggling with really fitting that 'tight' in there somewhere without it sounding off.
reaching for mangled dreams
tangled in visions of ecstasy and
(maybe add a two syllable adjective for flow here? like countless?) leering eyes.
I also considered; Stifling, sultry & eyes, silhouettes. I think this works best though. Leering eyes evoke that feeling of being judged which conveys more vividly what I was trying to get at rather than just outright using shame. What do you think?
Inflicting pleasure unto
unblemished skin to force into
reality,
I'm really struggling with making this more 'show don't tell' without ruining the flow of the piece. So for now I don't have a solution but I'm working on it.
and bathe in the staining
release of, venomous obsessions;
I think this would work because it still has the same sinister connotations but it also implies that the obsession is actually literally poisoning you over time. Which can be quite true for some more insidious fetishes. I do in any case strongly agree that ungodly is a very lazy word.
harvested from a fading childhood
and wicked whispers of innocence restrained
Maybe this is better because it really emphasizes a subservient point of view? It also creates a nice alliteration effect with 'rope' in the next line and rhymes with 'pain' in the one after that.
Thoughts?
FETISH
Flaccid bones and flesh
sealed tight in stretched skin;
clawing up blood and
I'm kind of wondering, using this construction it sounds like the bones are clawing up blood, which sounds a bit strange? Might also be implying... and sorry to get even more graphic here, period sex. I don't know whether it really works. I'm also struggling with really fitting that 'tight' in there somewhere without it sounding off.
reaching for mangled dreams
tangled in visions of ecstasy and
(maybe add a two syllable adjective for flow here? like countless?) leering eyes.
I also considered; Stifling, sultry & eyes, silhouettes. I think this works best though. Leering eyes evoke that feeling of being judged which conveys more vividly what I was trying to get at rather than just outright using shame. What do you think?
Inflicting pleasure unto
unblemished skin to force into
reality,
I'm really struggling with making this more 'show don't tell' without ruining the flow of the piece. So for now I don't have a solution but I'm working on it.
and bathe in the staining
release of, venomous obsessions;
I think this would work because it still has the same sinister connotations but it also implies that the obsession is actually literally poisoning you over time. Which can be quite true for some more insidious fetishes. I do in any case strongly agree that ungodly is a very lazy word.
harvested from a fading childhood
and wicked whispers of innocence restrained
Maybe this is better because it really emphasizes a subservient point of view? It also creates a nice alliteration effect with 'rope' in the next line and rhymes with 'pain' in the one after that.
Thoughts?