03-12-2017, 02:45 AM
I haven't been on these forums very long yet (I'd say about an hour or two haha) but this is the favorite poem I've read yet. I think it's a really clever way of both using the new term 'fake news' and using it to portray an experience we can probably all relate to. So, now that a feather has been firmly inserted into your buttocks; let's get into it. (I do mean it though haha)
The pictures showed us laughing on the beach, -maybe, portrayed us instead of showed us? Hinting at the revelation of the poem later on? Unless you wanna enhance the twist of this poem of course.
olive tanned with martini eyes fixed on each other. -love the Mediterranean feel you managed to squeeze into this line.
I remember the sand
in my shoes, and the sun in my eyes
as we walked to the bar - I think that this line is a bit of a wasted opportunity, 'walked' is a rather bland word and though this line does make sense of the rest of the poem, maybe try and use a word that further enhances the point of the poem. Stumbled? Shuffled? Maybe throw an adjective in there or something? Something to consider.
and fought for an hour - I like the use of parallel alliteration here (we walked/fought for), clever! (AKA IM GONNA STEAL THIS SOMEDAY)
over where to eat.
She told me to smile - I really like that she TOLD you rather than ASK you. This really sets the tone for the type of relationship the couple in the poem has.
when the waiter took our picture. -I like this as well, as it emphasizes even more that the 'scene' was staged. It didn't 'just happen' it was a deliberate effort to construct a certain type of image.
Keep writing
The pictures showed us laughing on the beach, -maybe, portrayed us instead of showed us? Hinting at the revelation of the poem later on? Unless you wanna enhance the twist of this poem of course.
olive tanned with martini eyes fixed on each other. -love the Mediterranean feel you managed to squeeze into this line.
I remember the sand
in my shoes, and the sun in my eyes
as we walked to the bar - I think that this line is a bit of a wasted opportunity, 'walked' is a rather bland word and though this line does make sense of the rest of the poem, maybe try and use a word that further enhances the point of the poem. Stumbled? Shuffled? Maybe throw an adjective in there or something? Something to consider.
and fought for an hour - I like the use of parallel alliteration here (we walked/fought for), clever! (AKA IM GONNA STEAL THIS SOMEDAY)
over where to eat.
She told me to smile - I really like that she TOLD you rather than ASK you. This really sets the tone for the type of relationship the couple in the poem has.
when the waiter took our picture. -I like this as well, as it emphasizes even more that the 'scene' was staged. It didn't 'just happen' it was a deliberate effort to construct a certain type of image.
Keep writing