Rewind (Revision)

[Todd]

Revision

The noise of the chair falling
to the ground compresses
and fades into a single point 
in space. The headrest
rises to your hand,
and you lower yourself
to sit again. 
Smudges of mascara race
up your cheeks to settle around shining eyes.
With a fork, you remove
food from your mouth, 
and like a conductor reconstruct 
the medley of unchewed  almond-crusted salmon 
with garlic crisp potatoes. I unclear 
my throat so that I cannot say,

“We need to talk.”


~~
Edit: I made a lot of changes based on the comments from you all. I also decided to try out a modified version of my original (per Achebe). Every possible change is still on the table and this should be considered more of an option than a revision. I want to look at it a bit and think.

Original

The chair rises from the floor
and you lower yourself
to sit down again, 
a ripple returning
to the pond’s surface.
Black smudges of mascara
race backward up your cheeks
to settle around shining eyes—now dry.
With your fork, you remove 
food from your mouth, and like an artist
reconstruct the unchewed almond-crusted salmon 
with garlic crisp potatoes. I unclear
my throat so I cannot say,
“We need to talk.”

~~


Slight revisions from a NaPM thread