03-09-2017, 05:23 AM
I found the poem to be too abstract and lacking in clarity. This however, from your comments, was clear and relatable:
"I am at the grocery store. After purchasing personal items, I proceed to exit the store, but the alarm sounds! I know I am not guilty, but others may turn and look, immediately casting suspicion upon me. Well, I KNEW I paid for the products, but I still feel a little guilty. Certainly others who turn to look don't know the whole of it, perhaps they are whispering to their friend? I certainly paid, and I have the receipt. I know all the facts, the cashier knows, too. I show proof to the manager who comes running to bust me, and through the whole process I am feeling false guilt."
A lot of people have similar feelings when they see a police officer, when they go through security checkpoints or customs, and it's for no particular reason. So, I think that you would do well to use this narrative as a basis for a revision. A story is always more engaging than abstractions.
I see that this isn't really the story that you're referring to the poem, but sometimes a little snippet is all you need to make your point. Whichever story you choose, I think the poem would be better with concrete details (even if they're not facts).
That's my advice.
Best to you,
Lizzie
"I am at the grocery store. After purchasing personal items, I proceed to exit the store, but the alarm sounds! I know I am not guilty, but others may turn and look, immediately casting suspicion upon me. Well, I KNEW I paid for the products, but I still feel a little guilty. Certainly others who turn to look don't know the whole of it, perhaps they are whispering to their friend? I certainly paid, and I have the receipt. I know all the facts, the cashier knows, too. I show proof to the manager who comes running to bust me, and through the whole process I am feeling false guilt."
A lot of people have similar feelings when they see a police officer, when they go through security checkpoints or customs, and it's for no particular reason. So, I think that you would do well to use this narrative as a basis for a revision. A story is always more engaging than abstractions.
I see that this isn't really the story that you're referring to the poem, but sometimes a little snippet is all you need to make your point. Whichever story you choose, I think the poem would be better with concrete details (even if they're not facts).
That's my advice.
Best to you,
Lizzie