A Glorious Freedom

[nibbed]

I don't see you getting an answer to this, so I'll say something.

First, I wonder if you are really looking for a critique, or if you are just proselytizing.  I'll assume you really want critique.

The problem with this poem isn't just your writing, which is fairly clear in its structure but not in its meaning, but your unoriginal message.  Jesus-Christ-as-cure-all-for-everything-that-ails-you isn't exactly a new message.  It's the message being pushed by [some] Christians all over the world, and it doesn't make a good poem.  I'm not saying that you have to abandon your message, but rather you need to explain what the guilt is that you are feeling, and then tell us why Jesus Christ has resolved that guilt for you.  Let me add my opinion that Christ himself would tell you that self-knowledge is important, and wouldn't advise you to be thoughtless about your problems and just believe in HIM.  (Donald Trump might give that advice, but not Jesus, in my view.)

Why is self-awareness "hyped", and what are the paper chains you refer to?

What is the "game"?  If self-awareness is the game, you won't get far with that message!

What are you hiding from/surrendering to/cowering from?

What made your shame "illegitimate"?  Et cetera.





If you want to just push the Jesus-Christ-as-Savior message, then become a preacher.  If you want to write good poetry, you need to exhibit some true introspection beyond "Christ fixed me!"  I occasionally watch television preachers, and although I am not a Christian, the best of them have interesting things to say.  Your poem, as it stands, isn't conveying an interesting message.

I'm sorry if my comments sound a little harsh.

If you search for my poem Struggling with Conversion (on this forum), you'll find an opposing point of view.

Hi Caleb

Thank you for reading my poem. I used "paper chains" to convey how some things that might imprison the mind are really not as strong compared to the powers of faith. "Illegitimate" referred to how shame holds no claim when conquering things that are made up. It was a poem written about false guilt, something that arises at times in certain people's lives. It can be debilitating, and sometimes more harmful to the psyche than actual guilt. It can cause sickness and despair. I have another example of false guilt, but at a much smaller superficial scale, a similar incident that happened to me, not involving any spiritual nature or battle of the mind:

I am at the grocery store. After purchasing personal items, I proceed to exit the store, but the alarm sounds! I know I am not guilty, but others may turn and look, immediately casting suspicion upon me. Well, I KNEW I paid for the products, but I still feel a little guilty. Certainly others who turn to look don't know the whole of it, perhaps they are whispering to their friend? I certainly paid, and I have the receipt. I know all the facts, the cashier knows, too. I show proof to the manager who comes running to bust me, and through the whole process I am feeling false guilt.  Perhaps it is my subconscious kicking back at me, after all, I did notice the cashier hadn't removed the security tag and I just shrugged it off...thinking it would be okay. Who knows why false guilt happens?

Of course the poem was pointing to a more direct spiritual matter for which I have personally struggled. I write poetry for many reasons, sometimes because of passion, sometimes because nature stirs me. Usually it's because of wars of the mind. Passion to a poet can come from many different places and from many different things. Some poets write in phases, they get drawn into one idea or another. Good poetry is that which comes from our heart of hearts. Many poets say such an encouragement is from a wonderful "Muse", others are inspired by desire, love, Creation, or nature. Poetry does not exclude faith. Poetry is non discriminatory. My desire to pen this particular poem came from One Most Passionate. As a believer I must remind myself of the liberty I have received from my God when trials of my mind try to bring me down or make me sad. It is a beautiful liberty that has been penned by great poets for centuries. I think of Fanny Crosby, a blind poetess, who used her passion to write several great works, most of which were then composed into music. Her poems fill the greatest hymn books ever written, giving hope and joy to millions. Poetry has the ability to heal, help, and promote great praise and joy. I also think of King David and the book of Psalms which has also blessed and helped many people. Even at funerals the 23rd Psalm is a comforting reminder and a healing balm to those grieving and heavy of heart.
 
I have difficulty with memory and comprehension at times. I also seek help with structure. My greater weaknesses are mostly grammar and punctuation . I also need help with rhythm and meter and forming verse in a clean orderly fashion, all of which I find a wonderfully great challenge.

Thank you so much for your thought-filled comments and taking the time to read my poem. I hope your day is filled with wonder and good fortune, too!