03-09-2017, 01:16 AM
I don't see you getting an answer to this, so I'll say something.
First, I wonder if you are really looking for a critique, or if you are just proselytizing. I'll assume you really want a critique.
The problem with this poem isn't just your writing, which is fairly clear in its structure but not in its meaning, but your unoriginal message. Jesus-Christ-as-cure-all-for-everything-that-ails-you isn't exactly a new message. It's the message being pushed by [some] Christians all over the world, and it doesn't make a good poem. I'm not saying that you have to abandon your message, but rather you need to explain what the guilt is that you are feeling, and then tell us why Jesus has resolved that guilt for you. Let me add my opinion that Christ himself would tell you that self-knowledge is important, and wouldn't advise you to be thoughtless about your problems and just believe in HIM. (Donald Trump might give that advice, but not Jesus, in my view.)
Why is self-awareness "hyped", and what are the paper chains you refer to?
What is the "game"? If self-awareness is the game, you won't get far with that message!
What are you hiding from/surrendering to/cowering from?
What made your shame "illegitimate"? Et cetera.
If you want to just push the Jesus-Christ-as-Savior message, then become a preacher. If you want to write good poetry, you need to exhibit some true introspection beyond "Christ fixed me!" I occasionally watch television preachers, and although I am not a Christian, the best of them have interesting things to say. Your poem, as it stands, isn't conveying an interesting message.
I'm sorry if my comments sound a little harsh.
If you search for my poem Struggling with Conversion (on this forum), you'll find an opposing point of view.
Please restrict criticism to the poem, not the poet or the poet's intention. It is inappropriate and often unwelcome to be providing life advice in a critique. It is also inappropriate to publicise one's own poem/ Admin
blah blah blah blah blah -- I said just what he needed to hear.
First, I wonder if you are really looking for a critique, or if you are just proselytizing. I'll assume you really want a critique.
The problem with this poem isn't just your writing, which is fairly clear in its structure but not in its meaning, but your unoriginal message. Jesus-Christ-as-cure-all-for-everything-that-ails-you isn't exactly a new message. It's the message being pushed by [some] Christians all over the world, and it doesn't make a good poem. I'm not saying that you have to abandon your message, but rather you need to explain what the guilt is that you are feeling, and then tell us why Jesus has resolved that guilt for you. Let me add my opinion that Christ himself would tell you that self-knowledge is important, and wouldn't advise you to be thoughtless about your problems and just believe in HIM. (Donald Trump might give that advice, but not Jesus, in my view.)
Why is self-awareness "hyped", and what are the paper chains you refer to?
What is the "game"? If self-awareness is the game, you won't get far with that message!
What are you hiding from/surrendering to/cowering from?
What made your shame "illegitimate"? Et cetera.
If you want to just push the Jesus-Christ-as-Savior message, then become a preacher. If you want to write good poetry, you need to exhibit some true introspection beyond "Christ fixed me!" I occasionally watch television preachers, and although I am not a Christian, the best of them have interesting things to say. Your poem, as it stands, isn't conveying an interesting message.
I'm sorry if my comments sound a little harsh.
If you search for my poem Struggling with Conversion (on this forum), you'll find an opposing point of view.
Please restrict criticism to the poem, not the poet or the poet's intention. It is inappropriate and often unwelcome to be providing life advice in a critique. It is also inappropriate to publicise one's own poem/ Admin
blah blah blah blah blah -- I said just what he needed to hear.