03-07-2017, 11:55 AM
Todd,
At first, I loved the marriage of Rachmaninoff and bees. Until I remembered (vis-a-vis the movie "Shine") that Rachmaninoff had transcribed Korsikov's "Flight of the Bumblebee" for solo-piano.
I think the reference to that (musical) piece intrudes too heavily on the tone and cadence of your poem --which I really enjoyed. I'd want to back away from the specificity of Rachmaninoff and push toward a more general sense of orchestral grandeur by referring to Mendelssohn or Haydn.
***begin argument about which composer best fits the tone of this poem***
Now from there, I have to assume that the "as black separates from white," is more about the "Ebony and Ivory" of the keyboard, minus the Stevie Wonder-Paul McCartney allusion to racial harmony.
So at this point, a line like "the sun is a bronze chime" may sound in my review like it's over-cooked with orchestral imagery. But I think you get away with it. It's morning, the bees are out with pollened feet, and beside, I really like that line. It hearkens back to the music of "Lawrence of Arabia," crossing the "Sun's Anvil." There's no flute or xylophone of the sun, and I like the bronze chime --it's got that lighter morning tone that we hear. The bed shivers, and there is a sense of sleeping late, the sense of a lazy morning listening to music and nature...
Now the tone darkens to copper, then to dappled darkness.
This happens too fast, and without referent. If this were dusk, we might follow the turn. But as you have it, I tend to agree with Vanity, the end seems to move away from the development of the poem's power. I'm really not sure where this is going.
Obviously a turn can be powerful, if you get a good bit of tone and imagery to contrast. The contrast can do a lot of work for you. If the bed is better revealed to contain a person whose bipolarity finds a literary cue, something the reader can follow, then your turn to the dark dew and copper would become a simple voice for profound feeling --very Langston Hughes or John Keats if you will. I think you need a more concrete moment for the turn.
Great diction, lovely imagery, a patient tone with no enjambments, I think you've got a great ear.
--Cheers!
At first, I loved the marriage of Rachmaninoff and bees. Until I remembered (vis-a-vis the movie "Shine") that Rachmaninoff had transcribed Korsikov's "Flight of the Bumblebee" for solo-piano.
I think the reference to that (musical) piece intrudes too heavily on the tone and cadence of your poem --which I really enjoyed. I'd want to back away from the specificity of Rachmaninoff and push toward a more general sense of orchestral grandeur by referring to Mendelssohn or Haydn.
***begin argument about which composer best fits the tone of this poem***
Now from there, I have to assume that the "as black separates from white," is more about the "Ebony and Ivory" of the keyboard, minus the Stevie Wonder-Paul McCartney allusion to racial harmony.
So at this point, a line like "the sun is a bronze chime" may sound in my review like it's over-cooked with orchestral imagery. But I think you get away with it. It's morning, the bees are out with pollened feet, and beside, I really like that line. It hearkens back to the music of "Lawrence of Arabia," crossing the "Sun's Anvil." There's no flute or xylophone of the sun, and I like the bronze chime --it's got that lighter morning tone that we hear. The bed shivers, and there is a sense of sleeping late, the sense of a lazy morning listening to music and nature...
Now the tone darkens to copper, then to dappled darkness.
This happens too fast, and without referent. If this were dusk, we might follow the turn. But as you have it, I tend to agree with Vanity, the end seems to move away from the development of the poem's power. I'm really not sure where this is going.
Obviously a turn can be powerful, if you get a good bit of tone and imagery to contrast. The contrast can do a lot of work for you. If the bed is better revealed to contain a person whose bipolarity finds a literary cue, something the reader can follow, then your turn to the dark dew and copper would become a simple voice for profound feeling --very Langston Hughes or John Keats if you will. I think you need a more concrete moment for the turn.
Great diction, lovely imagery, a patient tone with no enjambments, I think you've got a great ear.
--Cheers!
Signatures are for schmucks --oh wait, Dang!