haiku? !
#8
(03-03-2017, 01:55 PM)Achebe Wrote:  
(03-01-2017, 10:29 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
There's a storm in town!
AFAIK, the essence of haiku (or any short poem) is observation - don't imbue the image with your own thoughts: it works in longer poems, but not in short, supposedly punchy ones.
But more generally, in poetry, it's a good idea to go easy on the adjectives and eschew adverbs.

In the above, 'fury' weakens the crispness of 'pellets'. 
'wind shouts'  again, is unnecessarily anthropomorphic.
Finally, with the colon in L2, you don't need the 'There's a' in L3.


Thank you, kindly! That is so true!
You took a stick of dynamite
to a mountain that wouldn't budge
and minimized it to a neat and tidy hill, easier to climb.
I think I rushed in too soon,
because it all seems like so much fun!
there's always a better reason to love
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Messages In This Thread
haiku? ! - by nibbed - 03-01-2017, 10:29 AM
RE: haiku? ! - by ellajam - 03-01-2017, 10:42 AM
RE: haiku? ! - by nibbed - 03-01-2017, 01:37 PM
RE: haiku? ! - by Lizzie - 03-02-2017, 01:59 AM
RE: haiku? ! - by nibbed - 03-02-2017, 04:40 AM
RE: haiku? ! - by RiverNotch - 03-01-2017, 11:23 AM
RE: haiku? ! - by Achebe - 03-03-2017, 01:55 PM
RE: haiku? ! - by nibbed - 03-06-2017, 01:07 PM
RE: haiku? ! - by ellajam - 03-06-2017, 05:03 PM
RE: haiku? ! - by burrealist - 03-28-2017, 05:06 AM



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