03-01-2017, 01:37 PM
(03-01-2017, 10:42 AM)ellajam Wrote: I really like the first two lines but the third was a letdown, I already knew that, told in an interesting way. I want some sort of twist at the end, or at the very least the same interesting language.
(03-01-2017, 10:29 AM)nibbed Wrote: Rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
There's a storm in town!
True. True! I see it now that you mentioned it. What a letdown! Thank you kindly, ellajam.
Knowing I must come up with another line is kind of exciting!
(03-01-2017, 11:23 AM)RiverNotch Wrote: actually, it would be hilarious if the last line wasn't a line, just a word -- nay, a symbol. the ! is unusual, perhaps even the point, and leaving it alone while reading it as a word still reads the (in English, unnecessary) 5-7-5:
rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast: though not seven -- if you were really a stickler, you would edit, perhaps change blast, otherwise the current construction suffices.*
!
* -- or perhaps, to enhance that "rattling", "wind shouting a rattling blast", though that breaks the tense a bit
Yes, an ! for a whimsy end seems very clever, indeed.
Thanks for your suggestions, RiverNotch.
I guess part of the fun of Haiku is finding what words fit,
but an explanation point would make a cute short form poem.
Thanks so much!
Revision 1
Hail pellets fury,
Floods shriek a rattling squall:
Bombastic rain stick!
Original:
Rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
There's a storm in town!
there's always a better reason to love