Exodus Women (final)

[Weeded]

Yo what up nibbed,
I'll start by saying I like this piece, I feel like you could definitely do something with it. While there are some great ideas, there is also alot you might consider rewording, paring down, or removing entirely. Thoughts below,

Forever Unfavored


Flaming hēméra hēlíou I'm not a fan of this opening line (or any line thats in another language). You may know what this phrase translates to, good on you, but as an English-speaking reader all I see 'flaming words with squiggles.' Hard to follow the rest
wrestled heathery billows I get your want to go archaic due to the context but you seem to bounce between archaism and modernism, choosing one or the other when it suits you best. Choose one and stick to it (modernism, preferably). Also there's a tense issue (Flaming/wrestled/winning)
easily winning
the earliest curtain call; 'curtain call' is cliche; not too sure what's going on in this poem at this point as well. If only I knew what the heck was hemera heli-hoo.. 

Reeling in aftermaths, I like this. I picture an old-school projector literally reeling.
Exodus of old, Don't like this. I feel like this line could be something better but it's too ambiguous for me. Does the N mean old testament exodus (my main guess since the E is caps) or is it a play on the word exodus? If it's referring to scripture then Im left wondering ok well what about Exodus? That would also make 'of old' no longer necessary. If you're trying to connect it to the previous line maybe replace the comma after 'aftermaths' with like. If it is indeed a play on the word exodus (which I would like better) I'd remove the caps.
while waltzing currents
& past circumstance, what's the matter, too lazy to write 'and' out? Hehe

Today needn't wonder meh... Archaism kinda killin it but it'sall good.
of fretting dread? It sounds like you're dancing around what you're really trying to say in this stanza. Sometimes being straightfoward allows the layers to go deeper, rather than being sing-song with it.

Trials of motherhood,
fear of swollen bellies,
dripping sweat
insuring heavy breathers
secure their rust stained huts;

Confined,
they found Holy Words
their only balm. I'd pare down these two stanzas into one.



There's nothing new under the sun. Remove this line. It does nothing for the poem imo, and is cliche.

Partnered with the inevitable,
quieting the most hidden of lamentations,
facing toils greater than a master's whip, This is one of the better lines you have. Maybe remove 'a.'

drawing Swords daily
against those
perpetually
immoral
immortal
immutable I get what you're trying to do with the wordplay, but it's just that, wordplay and nothing more. I also don't understand why swords is caps. Personally I'd reword this entire stanza and either remove the 'imm-' words or find something else to do with them.
death angel campaigns,

our aged & frail
pleaded without ceasing,
begged mercy
found only at God's Throne; Probably my favorite stanza. Maybe pare it down; remove 'and frail,' and 'without ceasing' like

Our aged pleaded, begged
mercy found only at God's throne.


Broken, tired,
ragged muliebris soldiers I like 'muliebris.'
drained and parched,
stammering
stumbling
sweltering
in wilderness
whimpering
whispering weariness Again the wordplay leaves me a feeling a disconnect; it feels like the N is rambling, forcing the reader to dredge on. I'd remove this stanza entirely.

committing even our last
precious reserve of grace,

we find an end. The short stanza form is also a bit distracting. It makes me wonder what's important and what's not. I'd like to think it's all important but it doesn't seem that way.

Warring the inheritance
of men's ravishing demerit
& that burning mark of invisibility
applied so discreetly

even more secretly
through Death & Hell's slack;

As the dead gods of Egypt continued
cruel, blistering, brands
into Love's Once Hopeful Heart.

I noticed you like to capitalize words you deem important. I used to do the same. It's pseudo-poetry at its finest; you want the poem to say what's important, and in a real poem, every single word is important. Capitalizing a word that's not a proper noun just doesn't make sense if you think about it. That said I think you have a great idea here, but it's definitely gotta lot work to it if you want to make it into the piece it deserves to be. I'd also rethink the title, I'm pretty sure there's threads in here about titles in poetry, they're pretty important. Anyway, thanks for the read, hope you decide to work on this, I think it's got potential.

mike




Note background of inspiration:
KJV Scripture
Deut. 24:1
Ecc. 1:9
Matt. 19:8
Ephesians 5:25-33