02-26-2017, 12:22 PM
I love how heartfelt and earnest this reflection comes across, so cleaning it up a bit stanza by stanza is the next step I think. Some of the rhymes seemed a little forced (S4, lines 1-2 stood out the most to me). Additionally, the meter is a tad inconsistent. Musically speaking, it's like there are rests built into the verse when there should be notes and this definitely threw me off at a few points (S5, L1 for example). Additionally, there were a few lines where the meaning wasn't quite clear to me (S4, L4-6). I think the poem definitely is off to a good start, though. Although the subject is not particularly unique in itself, I think the earnest yet hopeful voice that shines through it is definitely worth keeping.