02-25-2017, 04:37 PM
I'm brand spanking new to poetry, so please take all of this with multiple shakers of salt.
My biggest reaction is that I don't understand what happened. First someone was talking, then a whale was talking in the first person, then the whale died? Then the someone wanted to be a whale someday? Also, the imagery was hard for me to follow. It wasn't rooted in a solid thing, or off a solid voice that could serve as a foundation your pictures.
It was weird hearing a whale talk about electrons
There are 2 cliched phrases and a couple more cliched ideas. Utter silence and nigh holy are the two phrases I'm speaking of.
Zero buoyancy is technically accurate but it sounds like the whale has no buoyancy which isn't what I think you meant.
The first line sounds like a reply to someone else. I'd like to hear what it's a reply to.
You have some great lines in here. I like the playfulness of the second line, which shows up again in the last line.
This feels like a failure of our minds to meet. You're clearly saying something, and saying it vividly, I just can't parse it.
Hope this helps!
My biggest reaction is that I don't understand what happened. First someone was talking, then a whale was talking in the first person, then the whale died? Then the someone wanted to be a whale someday? Also, the imagery was hard for me to follow. It wasn't rooted in a solid thing, or off a solid voice that could serve as a foundation your pictures.
It was weird hearing a whale talk about electrons
There are 2 cliched phrases and a couple more cliched ideas. Utter silence and nigh holy are the two phrases I'm speaking of.
Zero buoyancy is technically accurate but it sounds like the whale has no buoyancy which isn't what I think you meant.
The first line sounds like a reply to someone else. I'd like to hear what it's a reply to.
You have some great lines in here. I like the playfulness of the second line, which shows up again in the last line.
This feels like a failure of our minds to meet. You're clearly saying something, and saying it vividly, I just can't parse it.
Hope this helps!