02-25-2017, 12:31 AM
Hello all, I appreciate the many critiques. I'm going back and forth now with some ideas that range from slight alterations to something more radical. Though most of them are just exploring some of the points many of you raise. Let me highlight a bit my big takeaways from what you've all given to me.
Leanne: I get the sense that you think the poem would be helped by more extremes of motion and sound. If this were acting it would like saying commit to the scene don't be too reserved.
Donald: You seem to be seeing an unevenness in the power of the lines. Which goes back to my view that every line should be your best line--and while that isn't practical because they're holistically connected I can see your point.
Achebe: You're an outlier on the black/white line. You introduce some interesting ideas about metal. I've noticed from your critiques that have a strong grounding in the natural world empirically asking would something look or act this way. That's good for me because I tend to use the imagery as a scaffold for the themes or metaphor and I give little consideration to the internal logic of it all. So, its a nice counterbalance to me.
Vanity: You seem to be saying that the ending needs more punch (uneven with the beginning).
RiverNotch: You provide some slight adjustment suggestions, you're another voice adding some power to line three, and you provide some interesting insight on metal and light.
So, Wow! A lot to think about and experiment with.
Thank you! I realize it's a pretty short poem but you all gave me a lot to work with.
Best,
Todd
Leanne: I get the sense that you think the poem would be helped by more extremes of motion and sound. If this were acting it would like saying commit to the scene don't be too reserved.
Donald: You seem to be seeing an unevenness in the power of the lines. Which goes back to my view that every line should be your best line--and while that isn't practical because they're holistically connected I can see your point.
Achebe: You're an outlier on the black/white line. You introduce some interesting ideas about metal. I've noticed from your critiques that have a strong grounding in the natural world empirically asking would something look or act this way. That's good for me because I tend to use the imagery as a scaffold for the themes or metaphor and I give little consideration to the internal logic of it all. So, its a nice counterbalance to me.
Vanity: You seem to be saying that the ending needs more punch (uneven with the beginning).
RiverNotch: You provide some slight adjustment suggestions, you're another voice adding some power to line three, and you provide some interesting insight on metal and light.
So, Wow! A lot to think about and experiment with.
Thank you! I realize it's a pretty short poem but you all gave me a lot to work with.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson