02-24-2017, 09:16 PM
(02-24-2017, 07:42 AM)Todd Wrote: Mostly picks and nits. Overall a great piece, and there's not much to say about that that hasn't already been said.
The morning is for Rachmaninoff and bees,
and the soft steps of pollened feet,is it possible to better attach this clause to bees? "the morning is for Rachmaninoff and bees, the soft steps of pollened feet, as black separates from white."
as black separates from white.i agree with most of the earlier in that this could do with some vivifying.
The sun is a bronze chime somehow i sort of like the sound of brass, or at least it would be decent -- it might work better, image-wise.
and half the bed shivers.although that sense of the tertiary and late February afternoons does make "bronze" work a bit more, especially since it's here that the bipolar does creep in. i like shivering beds.
In the copper glow, but again, this may not work with bronze --- and the fact that i associated the afternoon with a morningsong may not be what's desired. that, or it's been too long since i've last seen a sunrise. but then by what i remember as well, the copper normally comes before the bronze, or the brass, or the gold.
the dew on the leaf
is a dappled darkness.