02-24-2017, 04:03 PM
You've done a great job with your revisions. I like how you cleared up the confusion by putting 'his death' in L2 and by leaving 'side effect' behind.
Revision 2
People only tell you they’ll go back to kill Hitler.
But his death isn't why elevators no longer
skip the thirteenth floor. For Christ would never split the sky.
His brow unpierced forever, blood not falling like rain. -- this isn't a complete sentence so maybe a dash after sky?
This time, Claudette lingers like an unanswered question -- love this
outside the barn. Why kill a German artist? Each choice,
the chalk scratch on a dark board, only to be wiped away -- I've counted it several times, and each time I count 14 syllables.
like the child unbloated and undrowned in Crystal Lake.
Claudette kisses Barry as if she’s stealing the air
each time he breathes. Her hands sticky-slick against his chest. -- I'd put in a comma after breathes, since the sentence that follows is not complete, unless 'slick' is the verb, in which case carry on.
She pushes him down on a bed of dry pine needles,
as echoes of himself collapse into the first sound
they now make. Her back arches like the blade of an axe. -- 'they now make' feels a little unnatural.
Revision 2
People only tell you they’ll go back to kill Hitler.
But his death isn't why elevators no longer
skip the thirteenth floor. For Christ would never split the sky.
His brow unpierced forever, blood not falling like rain. -- this isn't a complete sentence so maybe a dash after sky?
This time, Claudette lingers like an unanswered question -- love this
outside the barn. Why kill a German artist? Each choice,
the chalk scratch on a dark board, only to be wiped away -- I've counted it several times, and each time I count 14 syllables.
like the child unbloated and undrowned in Crystal Lake.
Claudette kisses Barry as if she’s stealing the air
each time he breathes. Her hands sticky-slick against his chest. -- I'd put in a comma after breathes, since the sentence that follows is not complete, unless 'slick' is the verb, in which case carry on.
She pushes him down on a bed of dry pine needles,
as echoes of himself collapse into the first sound
they now make. Her back arches like the blade of an axe. -- 'they now make' feels a little unnatural.