02-24-2017, 06:13 AM
Hi Tiger, I have a couple of thoughts for you on this one. I'm not moved by the center alignment, although I don't hate it. To me it isn't obvious the purpose, and that lack of purpose is distracting.
I don't think you need the second 'amazing' in L3.
I'd move the 'to' in L7 to L8 just before 'splash.'
L9 feels unnecessarily long. Maybe do:
we listen and obey,
dream in moonlight
There's an ambiguity in the end line concerning what begins again. Their love? The summer? The splashing/dreaming? I'm not bothered by it if you're not -- I don't know what meaning you were going for.
I love 'pushing its bull head into September' and 'the sun sings summer.'
It's a solid write, for me.
Cheers,
Lizzie
I don't think you need the second 'amazing' in L3.
I'd move the 'to' in L7 to L8 just before 'splash.'
L9 feels unnecessarily long. Maybe do:
we listen and obey,
dream in moonlight
There's an ambiguity in the end line concerning what begins again. Their love? The summer? The splashing/dreaming? I'm not bothered by it if you're not -- I don't know what meaning you were going for.
I love 'pushing its bull head into September' and 'the sun sings summer.'
It's a solid write, for me.
Cheers,
Lizzie