Revisionist History and Time Machines (Rev 2.1)

[Todd]

Hi Lizzie,

I appreciate the comments and the time you spent with it. I'll engage a bit with them but I'm always reluctant to say too much in a workshop--and pass on information that the poem isn't conveying. The only can be read both ways I agree for my purposes I'm still probably okay with the slight ambiguity as either interpretation works for me. I'll do a slight rewrite on the That in L2 probably. I see what you're saying. I think you're tracking mostly well through the content so its good to see that it's coming across. I love the idea of 13 lines but I think I'm going to have to add some lines so that may be tough to rearrange but I will at least try it and see if I can make it work. Thank you again.

Best,

Todd

Hi Todd. I haven't read any of the previous crits so that I could come to it fresh.

People only tell you they’ll go back -- the 'only' is confusing because it could mean that people only say that but don't really mean it, or that he's the only person they would go back in time to kill. It's not clear what to pair the only with.
to kill Hitler, but that’s not why -- yes, because the 3rd Reich exists in our short term memory. However, I'm confused by the "that." The verb is "tell," but I don't think the clause beginning with "that's" has anything to do with telling per se. Elevators skipped the 13th floor because of the superstition around the number 13 being bad luck or hauntings.
elevators no longer skip -- because we're forgetting the significance of that number, I'm thinking. Perhaps because the 13th is no longer associated with the Last Supper? Some would know the legend of the Knights Templar, but most just think of the movie and about how cool horror movies are.
the thirteenth floor. Christ
no longer split the horizon
on that day. The blood no longer
falling from His face like rain. -- like the use of rain, how it washes the chalk of history away
Why kill a German artist
with an above average appreciation -- this sentence feels too wordy
of the human form? Memory
is chalk scratched on a dark board, only -- the chalkboard image for collective memory is a good one
to be wiped away—a side effect, -- it's not clear what 'side effect' is modifying. Memory? The wiping? The dark board? I think you mean that revisionist history is a side effect of how collective memory washes away, but I'm guessing.
like the child not drowned -- Did he or didn't he? Depends on where you're getting your information.....is that part of the point? I love the Jason reference, but it complicates things.....significantly. Mostly because his character has gone through so many permutations in the Friday the 13th movies themselves, and then in his conceptualization in popular culture. I think what you mean is that Jason's story and persona, like history becoming myth, morphs and changes. That and when you speak of friday the 13th in our culture, people are more likely to make the association with the movies than with the historical associations presented previously.
in Crystal Lake.

Barry and Claudette lie on a bed
of dry pine needles. -- nice reference both to their sexual relationship and the context for Jason's demise (maybe) and how it evokes images of the Knights Templar burning alive (from the dry pine needles part).
Her back arches like the blade
of an axe. -- nice image that evokes Jason but also violence in general, perhaps the Templar legend again.

I think that this piece has much more to do with revisionist history than time machines, but I do understand that notion of, "if I had a time machine and could only go back and thwart one event, what would it be?", the answer would likely be something more recent that's in society's short term memory.

Anyway, I think the poem is fantastic -- there's a lot of potential meanings here. I think you would do well to clear up the modifier problems in the first bit.

Finally, I think you're missing a big opportunity to write the poem into 13 lines.

Hope something in all this ramble helps.

Thanks for the good read, Todd.

Lizzie