Burning alive

[canofworms]

Revised 02/18 5pm

My heart pounds and my breathe struggles.    Breath, not breathe. OP-What I am trying to say is that I am struggling to breath quietly, but I don't want to spell it out in the first line. I want the reader to think I am witnessing an actual fire at first. I could say "baited breath," but cliche. 
Each second seems like an hour as I stand there, helpless and ashamed. 'Each second seems like an hour' is a boring way to say time is standing still, you can do better I think.  Op-How about "Minutes seem like hours '
Still I watch your burning silhouette through the sheer blinds that shake as you writhe and scream. The image of 'sheer blinds' gives a sense of perversion, which is interesting.  OP- YES 
There's nothing I can do. 
No one to call. Doesn't seem very genuine. [b]OP- this is both, no one to call to put this fire out. No one to call to help me through this event.  [/b]
The fire has consumed you now.  All I can do is watch in horror until you convulse and collapse in a lifeless heap. - - OP- At this point  (she is climaxing and then collapses after climax, exhausted)you should realise that the fire is not literal and read this line differently 
Now it is silent, except for the pounding in my chest against my stifled breath. You already mentioned the pounding and breathing. Maybe get rid of their existence in the first line...[b]I- OP- this isn't the same as first line, While before I heard screaming, now I just hear my heart pounding, made louder by the fact that I am trying to breath quietly. [/b]
The patio light shines on me like a spotlight on a circus clown. Interesting image, again a bit peeping tom [b]-OP Bingo. .[/b]
I creep quietly away, cold and alone,
because your fire no longer burns for me.  Okay, so I think this ending makes the implicit now explicit; that this is some jilted lover watching their ex. I think you've used an interesting metaphor which is actually pretty great, but there's some bits which are a bit too far earlier in the poem ('lifeless heap' seems like a bit too far, perhaps) 

I think if you are disciplined with your word choices(yes) this could be a wonderfully sordid little poem, look forward to reading a redraft.

I think you get the idea of what I'm trying to do.  
At first I want the reader to think that someone is actually burning alive. 
So I have to choose that first line so it does not contradict the meaning of the piece, but does not give it away too soon. 
To be horrified by the explicit description and appalled that I do nothing.  
But then to realize it is not a real fire, but a sexual fire.  
To realize my horror that I see is not by the atrocity to life, but to my heart. 
Then to feel my shame.
And then sense of loss. 

---

Canofworms, you've basically just rearranged the words in the second draft, so my thoughts on the poem haven't changed much.

I've concluded that the burning is symbolic, that you are saying "this person has ceased to exist for me" -- but as a reader, I want to know more; I want some details.  Besides being horrified by the graphic language, I want to know why I should care.  So no, beyond that initial horrified reaction, I don't think you're making me feel what you want me to feel.

Yes, 
I rearranged the words to try and give more detail without defeating the purpose. 

I want it to be a bit of an effort to realize that the fire is not flames. 
But I don't want it to be so vague that it is impossible to come to that conclusion.