Crystal Time Machine

[Todd]

Hi Chels, I'll give you some comments in the lines below hopefully they will be helpful to you as you develop this. I haven't read the original or the other critiques.

Love the title absolutely drew me in.

Revision 1
Crystal columns stand reliably stationed --if Crystal is in your title it doesn't need to be in your first line. Also, as first lines go this is incredibly static for so cool a title. There needs to be something to draw us in quickly. It is a mistake I think to start here. Possibly you could either draw out the ideas you begin to touch on in the whats been/should be or you could at least use a short opening like S2 L1 below. I would probably consider started with what's at risk. Which means focusing on what matters most and starting there.
as their sharply-cut facets glimmer in hasten, --Sharply-cut facets also makes crystal above unnecessary. in hasten feels incorrect here like your missing a transition to have it make sense.
scattering recollects into mind, of whats been,
and should be. --This feels like it should be more important and may be rendered too much like a sort of shorthand. May need to be developed more

This cage - gives illusion of space and light,--so the cage set off by an emdash is meant to be perceived as a prison?   
but exacts entrapment of days.--seems like you need an article between exacts and entrapment                        
Which shade will shine in,                              
only to glint back out?--interesting string theory idea collapsing quantum possibility

Pressed face against--syntax feels a little off here "face pressed" may sound more natural 
light-infused, glossy and glinting rails,--a lot of modifiers to get to rails. I'm divided on how effective that is.
permeable eyes peering through;--like the creepy feel of this line. 
her entranced form pulls away.--entranced is a bit telly. If we could see it happening instead it may be stronger just a thought. 

Raise of brow, knowingly, 
bow of chin, solidly.
She pilfers their thought, concretely:--The passive voice and syntax reads oddly here. I don't see what any of this really adds to the content. The their is a bit unclear too though the ambiguity doesn't really bother me. 

“You see my asking eyes.“ --am I to read the quotes like this is a line of dialogue?

Those azure spheres used to contain and restrain, 
used to hide some that abides.--these two lines feel a bit unnecessarily cryptic and circular but that doesn't mean that they are necessarily off--some probably could be cut and which could be added after that.
This time as two trailing Beryl rockets, undocked.  

Still, her mortal immured. Glass gridlock.--Glass gridlock is nice phrasing. 
More still, a beautiful construct. --beautiful is a bit of a vague throwaway word.
Even yet, who is the architect?

Regret is so damn delicate.--I like this line. Its an interesting observation especially given as a motivator for time travel--when you can do something about it. 
Free to step forward,
not back?--Nice follow up lines. Best part of the poem for me so far. These are the kind of lines I'm talking about for the opening. Punchy observation then unfold content in both directions. Again just a thought.

Transparent bars, 
prove most jailing.
Even more revealing.--This all may work better without the gerunds

Solid structures,
prove most trying.
Even more instructing.--feels like your trying to deal with the difficulties of maybe modifying more fixed events. I'm not sure though what even more instructing really adds. This all implies revelation without actually revealing. It may be largely unnessesary

Bolt, screw, sprocket and wheel,     
a grease marked mechanic 
welds her own epochs real.--real would be a good cut here. I like the shift to some concrete imagery. 
For someone else.

Wished for machines 
do sound supreme,
but toil our being
when no longer a dream.  --a bit confusing. Syntax seems odd.

If she can shatter a way out, 
sound the pitch of more pain,
why not shatter what’s come about,
drown the timbre of sorrowful, dried rain?--sorrowful seems like one too many modifiers. The rhyme feels a bit obvious but I do like this section and I especially like the dried rain portion. 

((( OR, instead of the above stanza:

If she can shatter her way out, 
rev the engines of pain,
Why not shatter whats come about, 
filter the smog from revving in vain?--I don't like this as much

A better fit with the theme? )))

Her glazed blues fathom its beauty,--Why are her eyes important here?
though fantasizing ears hear a smash.
Really, she had a golden ticket;
but this one way crystal time machine,
is not solely hers to crash.

Again, I hope some of the comments give you some ideas or direction to try.

Best,

Todd