02-18-2017, 01:22 PM
I'm not quite grasping your cadence.
The line breaks make me expect a rhyme scheme of some sort, even moreso by the two rhymed lines 3 and 4 in the first stanza.
but there is none and that's just fine. So, When you end line 2 with " . You" I end up rereading this line a couple of times trying to grasp whats going on.
In the yard a rope hangs
from a large tree. You
used to swing. A giddy feeling
rode your shoulder whispering
“higher, higher”.
The troll thing doesn't for me. It just drags down the poem in my opinion. But if you must use the troll then consider this. What kind of Troll? Under the bridge troll? Stone trolls are HUGE like the size of an elephant. Trolkins are tiny and have punky hair. There's so many different types of trolls that I have no idea how heavy this troll is.
Now you shuffle
with a gait where the weight I don't get the use of the word 'where' in this sentence. It seems that the word 'like' or possibly 'as is'
of a troll being dragged
across the floor kicks I think you need some kind of punctuation in here like a comma or something in between floor and kicks.
at your calves and pummels
every inch of your limbs.
It gnaws at your knees
and screeches all night.
So you lie awake. I love one lonely line.
A giddy dream swings
from one use of that rope, I'm having a hard time picturing the image you are conjuring here. I think it's the comma.
to another.
The line breaks make me expect a rhyme scheme of some sort, even moreso by the two rhymed lines 3 and 4 in the first stanza.
but there is none and that's just fine. So, When you end line 2 with " . You" I end up rereading this line a couple of times trying to grasp whats going on.
In the yard a rope hangs
from a large tree. You
used to swing. A giddy feeling
rode your shoulder whispering
“higher, higher”.
The troll thing doesn't for me. It just drags down the poem in my opinion. But if you must use the troll then consider this. What kind of Troll? Under the bridge troll? Stone trolls are HUGE like the size of an elephant. Trolkins are tiny and have punky hair. There's so many different types of trolls that I have no idea how heavy this troll is.
Now you shuffle
with a gait where the weight I don't get the use of the word 'where' in this sentence. It seems that the word 'like' or possibly 'as is'
of a troll being dragged
across the floor kicks I think you need some kind of punctuation in here like a comma or something in between floor and kicks.
at your calves and pummels
every inch of your limbs.
It gnaws at your knees
and screeches all night.
So you lie awake. I love one lonely line.
A giddy dream swings
from one use of that rope, I'm having a hard time picturing the image you are conjuring here. I think it's the comma.
to another.