Pietà

[Achebe]

hello, fanak. 
you have some decent lines in the poem, such as:

branding calligraphy against our skin— (lover's tattoos. nice)
(as fodder for clipped pigeons)— (original adjective)
(a spinning carousel: first there was a seed and then came the apple) (the apple being an unwanted pregnancy? sin? nice)
(i love you, i love you, my gods, do i love you).
it was love / it was over. 

but against this, you have more than aren't that great:

billowing curtains, housing a homicide of tangled (carved, battered) bodies. (trying to fit too much into a line) 
circling and hunting within oxidized sub-saharan plains. (I am intrigued by 'oxidised'. What does it mean?)
a continuous stream of light in a consuming tunnel of onyx— (this one sounds particularly nonsensical to me)
thrusting desires to the beat of our fibrillating hearts. (completely over the top)
(christened with a gold medal from a formaldehyde babel). (I can't get the medical connection, if any. I even googled 'formaldehyde babel' and came across a paper on the detoxification of formaldehyde by acetic acid bacteria, but I don't think you had that in mind)
for forever and ever; (cliched)


I think that overall, you've tried to make every line great, and have ended up making the poem too dense to be interesting. It still is an improvement over the original, but you might have to dial down the excitement.