(02-03-2017, 04:50 AM)Wonderfullife Wrote: I wrote this poem just for fun. Many poems I read deal with very serious stuff. I thought it is a good idea to do something lighter.
The rhyme took on 'a mind of its own' leading the poem in directions I did not plan in advance.
Maybe, that's part of the fun of poetry.
Bath Time
Ah, a bath.
Turn on the tap
later a nap
Then to dine
Maybe have some wine
let the mind wander,
To places, here, there and yonder.
To momentarily feel
Memories so fine
You wish you could
Go backward in time.
Remembering:
Seeing the farmer saying the hay
Watching the mother baking all day
Listening to water splashing onto rocks
Seeing big boats pulling into square docks. .
Gazing at goldsmiths fixing a clock
Staring at stockbrokers counting their stock
Looking at goods I wish I could pawn
Awed at fog hiding the dawn
Shocked at stars twinkling so bright
Squinting at summer sunsets sublime
Having a good time all of the time.
Great work.
Here's my take on it.
Bath Time
Ah, a bath. - Ah, a bath.
Turn on the tap - We've turned on the tap
later a nap - We're ready to nap
Then to dine - But we'll dine
Maybe have some wine - Maybe, for reasons
let the mind wander, - We'll fill up the seasons
To places, here, there and yonder. - With regale, retail, and some wine
To momentarily feel - We'll bode to our heathens
Memories so fine - And fight for their reasons,
You wish you could - None which seem to repair
Go backward in time - Our unwind
Remembering:
Seeing the farmer rolling the hay
Watching my mother, she's baking all day
Listening to water that's splashing on rocks
Seeing their boats pulling into the docks. .
Gazing at goldsmiths when fixing a clock
And all of the brokers who counted their stock
Staring at goods that I wish I could pawn
Finding the fog when I'm hiding at dawn
Still under the stars that twinkle so bright
Squinting at summer through all of the night
Having a good time, steering all the time.
Please remember that a critique is about improving the poem which is there, not making the poem into what you would like it to be. As this is not in any of the three critical forums and thus does not count toward membership, I will approve it. I appreciate the effort put into it, however there is nothing remotely valuable in terms of a critique. (Poetry stood on it own feet -pun intended- without recourse to colorizing words.)
However, had this appeared in either of the three critical forums, it would be deleted as this is not a valid critique. Please look on the site or ask one of the mods for help in critiquing a poem. /mod