02-15-2017, 10:32 AM
lovely! it's this sort of quiet lyricism with sorta archetypal* natural-pictures that i love reading and writing -- my two nits perhaps are with line nine, in that its commas are maybe too much and the tense of "stinging" i feel is incorrect, and with the last line, in that it seems to have unnecessarily forgotten a period. the passage of "if not... winter" i love, that and the sudden changes in sonics introduced by line 8 really give it a sense of tangling-untangling. i do prefer some of your other stuff, particularly impossible angel and the flower of youth, but i think that's more because their subjects are closer to my heart than anything else, this reads clearer, with the sounds tied better to the themes. again, lovely, lovely, lovely work!
* -- at least for temperate, or even just western, countries, which sorta makes me uncomfortable in my reveling in it. though how is this footnote relevant to the discussion again?
* -- at least for temperate, or even just western, countries, which sorta makes me uncomfortable in my reveling in it. though how is this footnote relevant to the discussion again?