02-15-2017, 09:20 AM
Hi Keith,
It's been a long time since I've been on one of these sites, and I'm rusty. I haven't taken time to quite figure out how to navigate these pages in the expert way everyone else has with repeats of who said what and bold print etc etc, so please pardon my effort here today if it's not yet up to snuff.
I wasn’t sure I'd remember the house,
an old photograph was all I had;
self-seeded plants softened the cracks
but the driveway was still black and white.
'driveway was still black and white' -----bothered me for a while because I was taking it literally,and was thinking it should be green with the self-seeded plants, but I imagine you mean simply that it was still recognisable.
Arthur’s shape opened the door ---- In the original you had 'skeleton" and I quite liked that image. What about Arthur's 'remains' or is that too shocking?
The meniscus of old age bottled his vision ------- excellent use of meniscus here, the half-moon crescent is an apt visual to vision deficits
stroke is such a gentle word. ----I love love love the impact of this line, suddenly it comes into focus, so cleverly done.
My only nit is that I am left wondering what happened to the old man's sister/N's mother? If the stroke is the fulcrum then it's more about him, and I am left with the impression that she is somehow important and I am missing why, other than showing relationship between N and the old man. That aside, all in all I think this is outstanding.
Thanks, Chris
It's been a long time since I've been on one of these sites, and I'm rusty. I haven't taken time to quite figure out how to navigate these pages in the expert way everyone else has with repeats of who said what and bold print etc etc, so please pardon my effort here today if it's not yet up to snuff.
I wasn’t sure I'd remember the house,
an old photograph was all I had;
self-seeded plants softened the cracks
but the driveway was still black and white.
'driveway was still black and white' -----bothered me for a while because I was taking it literally,and was thinking it should be green with the self-seeded plants, but I imagine you mean simply that it was still recognisable.
Arthur’s shape opened the door ---- In the original you had 'skeleton" and I quite liked that image. What about Arthur's 'remains' or is that too shocking?
The meniscus of old age bottled his vision ------- excellent use of meniscus here, the half-moon crescent is an apt visual to vision deficits
stroke is such a gentle word. ----I love love love the impact of this line, suddenly it comes into focus, so cleverly done.
My only nit is that I am left wondering what happened to the old man's sister/N's mother? If the stroke is the fulcrum then it's more about him, and I am left with the impression that she is somehow important and I am missing why, other than showing relationship between N and the old man. That aside, all in all I think this is outstanding.
Thanks, Chris