02-11-2017, 10:54 AM
Hello Jared.
Seems like half the poem is just stating and restating the words 'open/close my eyes.' You could eliminate most of these by just grouping things together more effectively in categories.
Also, there's little in the way of metaphor or simile. You're just stating facts, which isn't that interesting. More imagery is needed, I should think.
I agree with can of worms that you need to describe the demons. A good rule of thumb is: show the action, don't tell about it.
Hope this helps,
Lizzie
Seems like half the poem is just stating and restating the words 'open/close my eyes.' You could eliminate most of these by just grouping things together more effectively in categories.
Also, there's little in the way of metaphor or simile. You're just stating facts, which isn't that interesting. More imagery is needed, I should think.
I agree with can of worms that you need to describe the demons. A good rule of thumb is: show the action, don't tell about it.
Hope this helps,
Lizzie