The Bird Sat On a Branch
#2
(02-10-2017, 08:41 AM)kylede87 Wrote:  The bird sat on a branch, its color black
dotted with white spots, carrying a worm,
against it a backdrop of bees did swarm.
the struggle of life under the noon sky
a worm ingested, while the bees did fly,
battles begun and battles lost to time.
it was a microscopic play, a dream
a pinhole in fabric, the cosmic seam
the subatomic kind, a pantomime.
 
What did the bird know of hunger, of want?
or was instinct its doubloon, guide of ships
when summer suns rise, and the cold moon dips
how the bird’s beak, magnetized to the prey,
proof of mechanical, puppet display.
I will give you some general comments; firstly that I would capitalize the next lines when you end on a full-stop for the previous line. (And I think some people would have you capitalize every line, but I would ignore them too). 
I would also say that although you clearly want to use some formal meter, there are plenty of points in the poem where you are talking like yoda just to fit the meter like 'against it a backdrop of bees did swarm.' Read your poem aloud, see which bits sound like something you would be happy reading to someone without wearing a costume of medieval robes. 

You are bringing up some big ideas about the nature of life, and there's alot of different imagery here; beginning with the mundane, then the highly abstract, then somewhere else. You can write a poem about a bird eating a worm, but it needs to be disciplined, perhaps build more slowly towards the cosmic issues! Also I would reconsider your title; unless it is ironic, it comes across as a bit of a dull title. Hope this is in some way helpful, and welcome to the Pigpen!
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Messages In This Thread
The Bird Sat On a Branch - by kylede87 - 02-10-2017, 08:41 AM
RE: The Bird Sat On a Branch - by Donald Q. - 02-10-2017, 09:04 AM
RE: The Bird Sat On a Branch - by kylede87 - 02-10-2017, 09:58 PM
RE: The Bird Sat On a Branch - by Lizzie - 02-11-2017, 03:04 PM
RE: The Bird Sat On a Branch - by Achebe - 02-11-2017, 07:20 PM
RE: The Bird Sat On a Branch - by kylede87 - 02-13-2017, 03:47 AM



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