02-09-2017, 10:26 AM
Hello. 
Keith is right that the alliteration needs to be broken up. May I offer a sample re-write? Some people like that kind of thing, some people chafe at it. I find it's easier to show my suggestions sometimes than to state them. So, maybe something like this:
Think of all the baby plants sprouting
after softly slumbering in the soil,
their lone limb listing and leaning --
an awkward, unpracticed reach
for the sun, the rain --
while its roots wrap fast
round its mother's breast
with primal, tendril toes.
Instead of my silly double dash, use full em dashes.
I dropped primate, because that means monkeys and apes to me.
But, overall, I think it's beautiful.
Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Lizzie
Keith is right that the alliteration needs to be broken up. May I offer a sample re-write? Some people like that kind of thing, some people chafe at it. I find it's easier to show my suggestions sometimes than to state them. So, maybe something like this:Think of all the baby plants sprouting
after softly slumbering in the soil,
their lone limb listing and leaning --
an awkward, unpracticed reach
for the sun, the rain --
while its roots wrap fast
round its mother's breast
with primal, tendril toes.
Instead of my silly double dash, use full em dashes.
I dropped primate, because that means monkeys and apes to me.
But, overall, I think it's beautiful.
Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Lizzie