02-07-2017, 10:22 AM
I enjoyed your poem, especially as a person who used to go to church but no longer. I would leave in the, "like birds on a wire.
(I always heard that birds have church too,
congregated like strings of black pearls.)" because it reinforces the church imagery, which otherwise would be too weak.
I would suggest "congregate" rather than "flock".
I would also put "preaches" rather than "explains" as another suggested.
How about "a holy heathen Sunday's best" to bring out more of the humor in this statement showing that though they don't go to a usual physical church, they still care about each other as religious people would pride themselves in doing.
(I always heard that birds have church too,
congregated like strings of black pearls.)" because it reinforces the church imagery, which otherwise would be too weak.
I would suggest "congregate" rather than "flock".
I would also put "preaches" rather than "explains" as another suggested.
How about "a holy heathen Sunday's best" to bring out more of the humor in this statement showing that though they don't go to a usual physical church, they still care about each other as religious people would pride themselves in doing.