01-31-2017, 07:34 AM
Hi Scribner,
the theme of this poem is powerful and emotional, however i think the length may prevent the reader from getting to the end of your poem. Maybe you should think about removing the repeating phrase and reorganize your poem into stanzas, and then reintroduce the repetition at the end of each stanza instead of every second sentence. I feel within all your lines, theres a secret waiting to be uncovered, the clutter of its current form is preventing it from touching the readers heart in the powerful way I believe this poem has the potential to do so. I look forward to reading your update
Ya Hagh
Bestoweroflight
the theme of this poem is powerful and emotional, however i think the length may prevent the reader from getting to the end of your poem. Maybe you should think about removing the repeating phrase and reorganize your poem into stanzas, and then reintroduce the repetition at the end of each stanza instead of every second sentence. I feel within all your lines, theres a secret waiting to be uncovered, the clutter of its current form is preventing it from touching the readers heart in the powerful way I believe this poem has the potential to do so. I look forward to reading your update
Ya Hagh
Bestoweroflight