01-29-2017, 12:09 PM
hi scribner, see you got to post 
others may not agree but i'll reinforce achebe and say the the refrains/repetitions don't work well enough to keep most of them aft the 2nd they sort of lose any power they may have had.
let's forget about the reps for now and look at each sentence;
here's a random one, it could have been one of a number:
Careless, happiness, forgotten looks. Pictures hold still memories of a time that once was. Nothing mattered,
how does it hold the reader, what is the essence of the line; an example. [not a re write just an example]
like sepia in picture frames, when nothing mattered
try for an image, use simile/ metaphor etc, paint the image with words and show the reader what you mean.
the poem is in there it just feel buried at the moment. oh, and welcome to the site.
others may not agree but i'll reinforce achebe and say the the refrains/repetitions don't work well enough to keep most of them aft the 2nd they sort of lose any power they may have had.
let's forget about the reps for now and look at each sentence;
here's a random one, it could have been one of a number:
Careless, happiness, forgotten looks. Pictures hold still memories of a time that once was. Nothing mattered,
how does it hold the reader, what is the essence of the line; an example. [not a re write just an example]
like sepia in picture frames, when nothing mattered
try for an image, use simile/ metaphor etc, paint the image with words and show the reader what you mean.
the poem is in there it just feel buried at the moment. oh, and welcome to the site.