01-26-2017, 04:02 PM
No apologies for ignorance needed! In fact, I didn't know what the form was prior to writing the piece. Finding it is what led to it being written at all.
I'm all for breaking form (I'm a gigging jazz musician -- controlled breaking of convention is kind of our thing) but I also really appreciate the form that is offered by following a set structure (that's my classical training and love of math & logic coming into play, here, outside of writing). I don't mean to try to prove anything by sticking to the form, but for this particular piece of writing I think I'd like to. Blind following of form is as useless as blind breaking of form, and I think structure can be just as beautiful as disarray. Each certainly has their place, but neither one is always appropriate.
That all being said (please continue this debate if you so desire -- I like discussing such utter nonsense) I'm not 100% sold on punctuation as it stands in the newest edit (not sure whether you saw that it's been updated since your initial comments). I nuked most of it to open up the interpretation a bit, but I may add some back. I kind of liked the idea of playing with the meaning of a sentence/stanza based on how the reader interprets the line breaks. In this case, namely between the 2nd/3rd and 3rd/4th stanzas:
I feel like the 2nd-3rd stanza could be read as either:
Now, though I smile, I feel new warmth missing from my bed
or
Now though, I smile, I feel new warmth missing from my bed
Similarly, I feel like "and still" from stanza 4 could be read as a description of the "tenant", or as a continuation of the sentence, as in ..."from afar, and still slipping so gracefully..."
Maybe this is just how I see it since I wrote the words, and it may not be how anybody would actually interpret it in reality. That's hard for me to gauge. Enjoying our back-and-forth. Cheers!
I'm all for breaking form (I'm a gigging jazz musician -- controlled breaking of convention is kind of our thing) but I also really appreciate the form that is offered by following a set structure (that's my classical training and love of math & logic coming into play, here, outside of writing). I don't mean to try to prove anything by sticking to the form, but for this particular piece of writing I think I'd like to. Blind following of form is as useless as blind breaking of form, and I think structure can be just as beautiful as disarray. Each certainly has their place, but neither one is always appropriate.
That all being said (please continue this debate if you so desire -- I like discussing such utter nonsense) I'm not 100% sold on punctuation as it stands in the newest edit (not sure whether you saw that it's been updated since your initial comments). I nuked most of it to open up the interpretation a bit, but I may add some back. I kind of liked the idea of playing with the meaning of a sentence/stanza based on how the reader interprets the line breaks. In this case, namely between the 2nd/3rd and 3rd/4th stanzas:
Quote:Before
loneliness sat
beside me unquestioned.
My ever-present companion.
Now though
I smile
I feel new warmth
missing from my bed, its tenant
dreaming sweet nothings from afar
and still
slipping
so gracefully
through my thoughts -- like a cat
between plants in a windowsill
garden.
I feel like the 2nd-3rd stanza could be read as either:
Now, though I smile, I feel new warmth missing from my bed
or
Now though, I smile, I feel new warmth missing from my bed
Similarly, I feel like "and still" from stanza 4 could be read as a description of the "tenant", or as a continuation of the sentence, as in ..."from afar, and still slipping so gracefully..."
Maybe this is just how I see it since I wrote the words, and it may not be how anybody would actually interpret it in reality. That's hard for me to gauge. Enjoying our back-and-forth. Cheers!