01-26-2017, 11:41 AM
Apologies for my ignorance regarding the form!
Though, building on this, to hopefully add consideration to your edit... without repeating myself in full, the punctuation (or lack of) differs in each stanza whilst in the same form for the better or worse. I think my points regarding this as written above still stand, better use of punctuation can push the reader a little more.
Something I seem to repeat on this site a lot in my critiques (sorry) is that I don't get why strength, emphasis, sound, poetic devices are often sacrificed to maintain a perfect form throughout a poem. I think the odd break from form with the right words, at the right point of a piece, to emphasise meaning- adds more and shows more talent as a writer than blind obedience to a structure throughout. I mean, we all know forms, we can all keep to them- it doesn't prove anything. Though this comes from a serial form breaker
Your elaboration on themes/subject added clarity, meaning no need to edit to make meaning more obvious. I grasped most of the meaning- and well, I think if an ignorant reader grabs most of the meaning with some parts remaining ambiguous, that's just fine and is probably how a poem should be!
Look forward to the edit
RBJ
Though, building on this, to hopefully add consideration to your edit... without repeating myself in full, the punctuation (or lack of) differs in each stanza whilst in the same form for the better or worse. I think my points regarding this as written above still stand, better use of punctuation can push the reader a little more.
Something I seem to repeat on this site a lot in my critiques (sorry) is that I don't get why strength, emphasis, sound, poetic devices are often sacrificed to maintain a perfect form throughout a poem. I think the odd break from form with the right words, at the right point of a piece, to emphasise meaning- adds more and shows more talent as a writer than blind obedience to a structure throughout. I mean, we all know forms, we can all keep to them- it doesn't prove anything. Though this comes from a serial form breaker
Your elaboration on themes/subject added clarity, meaning no need to edit to make meaning more obvious. I grasped most of the meaning- and well, I think if an ignorant reader grabs most of the meaning with some parts remaining ambiguous, that's just fine and is probably how a poem should be!
Look forward to the edit
RBJ
RBJ
Man differs more from Man, than Man from Beast~ Rochester
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro~ HST
Man differs more from Man, than Man from Beast~ Rochester
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro~ HST