01-26-2017, 11:21 AM
mrweiner (some name!) - I'd not worry about forms you enjoy being scoffed at. I am a lover of older forms- not a fan of "modern" free verse, and lots of performance poetry. But that may be flavour of the year. A good poem is a good poem, a good read is a good read, a thought well written is a thought well written... regardless of how it is jotted down! And yes it is mocking, in a voice ironically I am ashamed of now (as it's pretty old and I've changed a lot!). Thanks for reading.
Marckcecil - The first line, well observed, I do count that stuff- but honestly I never write a whole piece without differentials- that one I originally did naturally, but I thought it a strong opening- and I quite liked the fact that the line has a syllable less but actually reads longer (or is intended to anyway!).
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane - I can see how this line isn't clear (i.e. I agree it isn't). But it is meant to suggest that the girl that the poet has stolen away, when in her previous relationship, was lost- wondering and wandering- yet very sound of mind. Sane is almost meant as an insult, accusing her of being too straight-headed to break away from her previous relationship. Hope that clears up my intended meaning, but I see how it isn't clear from what I've written, one of those ones where it is clear to me writing but obviously not to a reader (and I think a tricky one to change, if I want to keep what I intend yet make it obvious to a reader, no?). That's also why there is no but. I don't want to say but sane, I want to imply almost boring sanity keeping her wandering, wondering etc in her previous relationship.
The inversion... meh meh meh meh. I know, I know. But I really like the last line and I am struggling to edit the penultimate line without affecting the last one. A suggestion that I can plagiarise (or at least be inspired by) most welcome! Hmm.
Thanks both. I think this one is pretty close to being done and dusted and something I'm happy with. But not quite
Marckcecil - The first line, well observed, I do count that stuff- but honestly I never write a whole piece without differentials- that one I originally did naturally, but I thought it a strong opening- and I quite liked the fact that the line has a syllable less but actually reads longer (or is intended to anyway!).
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane - I can see how this line isn't clear (i.e. I agree it isn't). But it is meant to suggest that the girl that the poet has stolen away, when in her previous relationship, was lost- wondering and wandering- yet very sound of mind. Sane is almost meant as an insult, accusing her of being too straight-headed to break away from her previous relationship. Hope that clears up my intended meaning, but I see how it isn't clear from what I've written, one of those ones where it is clear to me writing but obviously not to a reader (and I think a tricky one to change, if I want to keep what I intend yet make it obvious to a reader, no?). That's also why there is no but. I don't want to say but sane, I want to imply almost boring sanity keeping her wandering, wondering etc in her previous relationship.
The inversion... meh meh meh meh. I know, I know. But I really like the last line and I am struggling to edit the penultimate line without affecting the last one. A suggestion that I can plagiarise (or at least be inspired by) most welcome! Hmm.
Thanks both. I think this one is pretty close to being done and dusted and something I'm happy with. But not quite
RBJ
Man differs more from Man, than Man from Beast~ Rochester
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro~ HST
Man differs more from Man, than Man from Beast~ Rochester
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro~ HST