(Addresses Self-Harm/Abuse) She'll One Day Forge Beauty - Edit 1

[mrweiner]

Hello there Mr Weiner sir!  You have a quite confrontational poem here, and it's loaded with emotion so it's not an easy one to critique.  Please bear in mind these are criticisms always of the poem, not the poet or the subject. Of course!

Six-year-old girls shouldn't
need to place their sadness
between their toes 
and the business end of a hammer, -- this is a strong opening, immediately setting the scene in pain and conflict.  We assume, because she is six, that this is someone else inflicting pain on her at this point.  I am not convinced about "business end", as it seems a little too light and idiomatic. Good point. I think I'll end up going with something like "and the weight of a hammer", or "fall/swing/velocity/intent/something..."

striking at anguish left -- still thinking about this line break -- i.e. should "left" be left here? Also, is "left" the best choice of words?  Maybe "brought" or "sent".
red hot by bourbon blows and -- this is the point at which I change my mind about who is weilding the hammer.  It seems as though despite being six, the girl has already suffered sufficient anguish to feel that she must inflict pain on herself.  This is when the heart breaks.
neglect. Their little digits
lack the temperment of anvils, -- *temperament or *temper, if it has been tempered. Temperament, I think. I like playing with the idea of tempered/treated anvils and anvils having a strong, resilient temperament.

and while the blacksmith 
keeps a bucket of oil at hand -- this is a good analogy but I feel like you're missing a chance to put salt water and brittleness in here somewhere. Yes, I could certainly push the heartwrenchingness a little further, here.
to harden his work,
muffled cries do little 

to quench the misery of one
with such limited understanding. -- this line is a bit on the tell-y side. Originally had something more like "of the innocent" but that lacked some punch. Trying to convey that crying doesn't help a child to process what's happening.
I cannot comprehend the mind -- I'm not convinced that bringing in the "I" works.  It shifts the tone quite a long way out of the mood you've worked so hard to establish and becomes a bit preachy. Fair point. Do you think that leaving the sentiment but changing it to something like "one cannot comprehend", or do you think it's the fact that the voice is shifting away from our subject to somebody who cannot relate that makes it feel preachy?
of a girl so tortured,

or how she could learn
to hang up her hammer 
and forge a life for herself 
so beautiful as yours. -- personally I'd drop this line, or change it so that it doesn't make the poem so specific to just one person (even if it is -- after all, she will recognise herself anyway).  I'll give it some thought.

Six-year-old girls shouldn't
need to place their sadness
between their toes 
and the business end of a hammer,

striking at anguish left 
red hot by bourbon blows and I think the line breaks at the first two lines of this stanza are both a little weak (especially on "and"). I struggle with this concept of where to put words like and, but, and to. The end of the line feels weak, but the beginning of the following line feels weak as well. Seems hard to avoid since they're obviously linking two ideas to each other. I would also cut "hot" after red, "red hot" is somewhat cliche, and the colour red is hot without needing the extra word.
neglect. Their little digits
lack the temperment of anvils, typo on temperament. This is very strong stuff, though. Noted

and while the blacksmith 
keeps a bucket of oil at hand 
to harden his work, 
muffled cries do little 

to quench the misery of one
with such limited understanding. I like this: who is the one with limited understanding? I'm trying to refer to the girl, here, with her cries. Doesn't quite feel as effective as it could be.
I cannot comprehend the mind
of a girl so tortured,

or how she could learn
to hang up her hammer 
and forge a life for herself 
so beautiful as yours. I think the ending is a little weak compared to the rest. I like the idea of the person learning to forge a life for them-self, but I think it could be done with more subtlety. Yes I think the ending could certainly be a bit stronger.

This is a really powerful poem. I don't like the title, though, it turned me off reading the poem a bit. I've read a bunch of poems about abuse, and a lot of them are angsty drivel (which this poem isn't). Maybe you could have the title help reveal the fact that the person is able to forge their own life? Good idea. The title is somewhat of a placeholder for the moment. I guess I could avoid writing about some of the reveal if that is taken care of at the top.

Thank you both! Is it frowned upon here to post that I've created a new edit to the initial version? Still figuring out how things are done 'round these parts.