01-25-2017, 05:46 AM
I've made an edit here, all your crits were very helpful.
I wanted the November stanza to provide atmosphere, but I think it did that in a very single-minded way. I've changed it to add some real content that (hopefully) also provides the same atmosphere. I also changed the first stanza to a metaphor instead of a simile.
I'm also not sure of the order of the 2nd and 3rd stanzas - I might want the worm stanza ahead of the busker one to provide that atmosphere earlier (and sort of layer it in in the 2nd and final stanzas), but I don't want the worm thing to make it seem like I'm calling the busker or people worms or something. Some comments on that would be helpful.
I wanted the November stanza to provide atmosphere, but I think it did that in a very single-minded way. I've changed it to add some real content that (hopefully) also provides the same atmosphere. I also changed the first stanza to a metaphor instead of a simile.
I'm also not sure of the order of the 2nd and 3rd stanzas - I might want the worm stanza ahead of the busker one to provide that atmosphere earlier (and sort of layer it in in the 2nd and final stanzas), but I don't want the worm thing to make it seem like I'm calling the busker or people worms or something. Some comments on that would be helpful.